She was close,

Close enough to be your ghost,
But my chances turned to toast
When I asked her if
I could call her your name.

Just found

a gorgeous poem.

Love of mine,
Some day you will die
But I'll be close behind.
I'll follow you into the dark.

How sweeeet.


Merry Christmas everyone!

Hmmm.

I'm feeling bitter today.
Maybe it's Nicotine withdrawal?

A post of love

to my dear fammo that have finally left me so I can have some time to myself for a bit!
I am going to wash my hair in about 10 mins, and play Sia and Bjork really loud because there'es no one but me to hear it, lalalaaaa!

My hair is getting so long now, and all the short bits are growing out too, all I need to do is dye it again, but I think i'll leave that until just before new years.
I want my hair to be bright and beautiful for the party i'm going to.

My little sister wrote a note to put inside my tiny locket.
It has a picture of a cat on one side and some tiny writing on the other side saying, "I love Kitty from Amy". I am keeping that foreveerrrrrrr!



I need to write another bit of love for my friend Joe, who is the only one of my friends (I think) who actually reads this blog. He was a bit upset on his birthday because there's not a lot a freshly 17 year old can do in Birmingham without ID or money, but he went out last night and by the sounds of it he had a great time, so i'm pretty happy. The only reason i'm a little bit sad is because I couldn't be there myself...
But still, love you Joeee.

Life is so good i'm starting to appreciate things a lot more than usual.
Most of the time i'm practically in love with everything, now i'm so besotted I want to kiss everyone and everything!
(Which reminds me, it's been a while since I was last kissed, who knows, New Years may bring new romance as well. Or at least a one night thing, I don't particularly care hahaaaa!)

I miss a lot of people and i'm going to make it my pre-and-during-new-year's resolution to make a huge effort to meet up with those people again, mainly Emma McLoughlin who I miss ridiculous amounts.

I'm so full of love it's mad, and with Christmas being only days away I actually think i'm going to explode!

Something fun.

The task: fill in 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates like Cassie (from series 1 & 2 of Skins) in her therapy video.




Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I like people, I have always found them fascinating, I always strive to find out everything about people I know, and I do little things to test them, without even knowing. For example, I touch people to see how they react, usually people who don't like being touched don't get along with me so well. Also I ask really personal questions as bluntly as I can and judge their response. Sometimes I do it all without knowing it, but usually it's because i'm stupidly curious.

I like chocolate, maybe a little too much. I have the worst sweet tooth out of everyone I know.

I like deep conversations. Most days I can sit and talk for hours and hours. Most days I do.

I like how my toffee flavoured lipgloss is merging with some of my Chai tea that is still on my lips. It smells and tastes gorgeous!

I like every single holiday of the year. I like Christmas, I like Duvali, Halloween, Whitsun (because it's my birthday around then), Easter, everything, I love them alllll.

I like losing weight without trying, it makes me laugh because I eat so much crap hahahhaa.

I like having a crush, that exciting time when you know you want to be with someone and you're trying to figure out if they want to be with you too.

I like growing my hair and my nails.

I like red hair dye, a LOT. I love how whilst i'm in the process of doing my roots I always look like i've just brutally murdered someone, as the dye always goes blood red and I always get it everywhere!

I like art, everything to do with it, art galleries, artists, pencils, paper, paints, materials. I see everything as an art form.

I like open mindedness and people with good attitudes and manners.

I like sex and i'm not afraid to admit it. I am not a slut, I just enjoy feeling a connection with someone else, male or female.

I love everything and everyone who has ever touched my life.

I hate people who have tried to make me less of a person than I am today. Whether it was by lying, betrayal or other more serious things (I have one particular person in mind. Don't be vain and think i'm talking about you, I'm definitely not.)

I hate accidentally cutting loads of hair off when I only meant to get the split ends.

I hate feeling fat or bloated.

I hate being on my period.

I hate slags, you give girls with self-respect a bad name.

I hate losing things.

I hate being late or unprepared for things.

I hate stretchmarks.

My hair

is so messy, i'm going to wash it, and moisturise.
It's so faded now, I need to get the bright red back.
Ahhh, those were the days!



I cannot believe Hayley Williams is blonde now!
She doesn't look like herself anymore.
She looks all...
Mellow...

Something's not right.

Dear Santa.

What I really want is a nice, lovely Superkings Noir cigarette, please.

Amelie,

the one and only love of my life.

Mmmm.

THIS is Christmas!





In my warm, Scottish living room listening to Johnny Mathis, just about to go and have some dinner and a nice cup of tea.

I haven't

posted a new blog in ages, but I'll be posting a fair few over the next few days, I reckon as there's little else to do in Scotland when i'm cooped up in the house.
I can't wait to go to Glasgow at some point in the coming week, i've missed it so much!
I went out to Perth today trying to find a CD for Mama Loco for christmas, I couldn't find it so instead I spent some £££££ in Topshop on a denim top, a jumper dress and some floral tights.
I love new clothes they make me feel so good!

Remember Kitty, download the Mumford & Sons album!

It sounds terrible,

but I actually cannot wait for things to end badly for the two of you.
Because i'll be there to pity you, not the other way round, you gloating fools.

My new vice.

I'm sat cuddled up in bed with a raging headache and a huge mug of tea with lots of milk and three teaspoons of honey.
It kicks sugar's arse any day!

If I have a child when I grow up and it's a girl I want her middle name to be Sugar.
It sounds mad, but being called Kitty myself I know what a novelty weird names can be sometimes. They're a conversation starter to say the least!

I can practically see it now, Stevie Sugar Calderbank.
Or maybe Gwendolyn Sugar Calderbank.
Or maybe even Beatrix Sugar Calderbank.

I think that looks adorable, personally.
And plus when they're older it'll be quite cool I reckon.
Maybe even a bit sexy?

Anyway, let's actually get to the point where I want to have kids, then we'll talk about it!
It probably wont happen for another twenty years, I might even be dead by then!
I know I won't live long, to be honest I don't really care.

Last night one of my old friendships was rekindled, I'm quite happy but I need to be wary. When we get along we're like a house of fire, but when we don't, all hell breaks loose. I'm going to be on my best behaviour, promise.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Whatever happens, happens. Life's all about the ride, right?
I've changed anyway, I'm not nearly as selfish as I used to be, I'm more comfortable in my own skin, i'm a lot deeper and more understanding than I used to be, yet I can still party like there's no tomorrow.
I have balance and for once I actually have my priorities right.
I reckon it'll work out this time, besides, we've been friends too long to throw it all away over some shitty argument that I can't even remember.

Feeeeeeling

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Sometimes

you act like such an idiot I just want to hit you in the head repeatedly and scream until my chest hurts.
Then I remember you're one of the best things in the world, bite my tongue and smile like always.

"Once".

Truly a beautiful film.
It's about a busker from Dublin who finds friendship and love as well as success with a woman from the Czech Republic who is also a talented musician.
It's also sort of a biography, as, even though some details aren't the same as in real life, both of the lead characters did actually fall in love in reality, you can see the chemistry building throughout the film.
Absolutely gorgeous!
Here is a clip of one of the songs they wrote together.

Insensitive,

yet hilarious!

Prick Griffin.

I hatehatehatehatehate him.
The only reason I would want him on telly would be for a public exectution.

Kitty, download immediately!

Nina Kinert
Neutral Milk Hotel
Tiger Trap
Bon Iver
The Decemberists
Noah and the Whale
Laura Marling
Nico
The Arcade Fire

I feel so festive and fab! I made a necklace yesterday and I found somne gold glitter in the art room and put a glittery "K" on my favourite jumper.
But it'll all wash off when I put it in the washing machine later...

Quick realisation.

Films realllly effect me.
I am too ill to go into further detail.
I watched a film that starts out positive and ends in tragedy and now feel like I want to kill myself.
I won't, of course.
That goes without saying.

I feel really un-inspired.
Yet I have to do art.
Practically against my will.
Fun.

Oh shut up, Kitty.
What a terrible life you must lead!

And, Kitty, remember...

to download:
Natalie Merchant,
more Laura Marling,
a little more Kate Nash,
some more Regina Spektor,
and some Lisa Mitchell

Gorgeous women!

And some She & Him.

Oh and

when I said "you are dead to me", I meant it.
From the bottom of my full, glowing heart.
I will never let you hurt or disgrace me again.

I may be small, but I am mighty.
Like Persil tabs.

Tigress.

I ran far today, away from here,
I cannot stand this beastly place.
Your cold grey eyes i've grown to fear.
Your perfume, pearls, your dresses with lace.

You prey on emotions, you tigress.
Scratch and growl, desire is your prey.
Your flame red hair, oh I digress!
Peace flees far from wherever we lay.

As I move pale sheets out of your face,
And stroke the opal of your cheek.
Cold and beautiful without one trace
Of the emotion I desperately seek.

The light and the colour of summer was ours,
But the winter, my love, I shall spend alone.
For although you are one of the prettiest flowers
Within your petals, a heart of stone.

So, with cigarette, wine and literature
I start to purge my thoughts of you
The past left nothing but pretty pictures
And the future holds a darkened hue.

I feel

heavily pregnant.
Minus the foetus.

Everything hurts, my head, my neck, the inside of my throat, my boobs, my back, my bum, my legs, my right foot, my elbows, everything!


But I must become well enough to go to Asda tomorrow!

Shaved

a small section of the right side of my hair nearest to my face the other day.
I have fallen in love with it, and so has everyone at college, everyone has been coming up to me to feel it, saying it feels like "baby hair".
Eeeeeee, I love college so much, everyone is actually amazing, i couldn't have chosen a better year group to come into, seriously, everyone is lovely!
And my classes are going well, my teachers don't make me feel like an idiot (thats a first!) and they are kind and smiley and supportive which is niiice!

Seriously loving life right now.
A few little glitches though.

One of my once best friends now isn't speaking to me, probably because he's too busy now with all his new college friends that he's returned to how he was before, "too good" to speak to me. It would have been fair enough, because of the distance between us and the fact that he is making new friends that we wouldn't speak as much as usual. I expected that, hoped for it even, I wanted him to fit in and have a good time at college. But it seems i'm only his friend when he wants me to be, which isn't fair as I genuinely care about him and still consider him as one of my dearest friends, and i'm trying to make an effort to speak to him but he just ignores it.
This makes me feel stupid, and it irritates me a LOT.

Also, I have the worst cold I have ever had in my entire life.
My throat is really tickly and I can't breathe in more than 5 times without coughing. And when I say coughing, I don't mean just ordinary "ahem" coughing.
I mean full-on wheezing, struggling for breath, phlegmy, disgusting, terrifyingly loud/long coughs that leave me struggling for breath with a headache and heartburn.
I also look like a sack of shit.

Observe.
22:15, 01/10/09

Chris Cross.

I write stories for pleasure,
Love songs for pain.
I could use you for leisure,
But what could I gain?
Because when I
Try to lie,
It all comes out the same.

Blind by the streetlights in a mad search for fame,
With the clothes on my back and a penny to my name;
And it seems we're just pawns in this twisted game.
Yet when I
Try to lie,
It all comes out the same.

So we all don our Docs and we hop on the train,
Just to avoid all the midsummer rain,
That in the blue night we had heard as we'd lain.
Don't lie to me, darling.
You're all just the same.

Apologies

for not posting in a very long time, been so so so busy!

Nearly halfway through my second week of college and I love it already, it is so perfect!
Made lots of fab new mates and managed to keep in contact wioth my old ones still, it's brilliant I am having a ball!

The work isn't too hard but then again it's only the second week, i'd be an idiot if I wasn't expecting it to get a LOT harder.

Apart from the fact that I am now smoking a lot more regularly due to the freedom and the fact that all my money seems to be disappearing on gig tickets and clothes, life is great!

I'm going to see this lovely lady on sunday, I can't wait!

Mind blowing.

pictures by Sylvia Ji.
Here is the link to her myspace, where I collected some of my favourites of of her work, you can also see lots of other paintings she's done.
http://www.myspace.com/sylviaji

They are stunning.

I put them at a huge size so you can appreciate the skill and detail that is there.

Fabulous

life!
I'm officially a college student now, I'm so excited to start on monday.
Bought lots of lovely smart clothes and lipsticks and foundation.

Heading up to Manchester tomorrow for a joint 18th/21st in soem hotel somewhere and I've bought a fab new dress!

Will take a picture later when my camera decides to recharge.

How fiddly are laptop keyboards, I mean really!




Here is a picture of me and my cousin and her friend at the joint 18th/21st.
I'm the pale one in the navy (haha, try saying that out loud without bursting into tune) having a cheeky smoke.

Not ready

for sixth form yet.
Give me a few more weeks of holiday?

xx x x x x x x x x x xx xx x x x x x x x xxxx

Quick reminder!

Tomorrow remember to run up the road and buy

• Some foundation (preferrably cheap shite from the natural section so that I can afford more)
• Some Rimmel concealer (best stuff!)
• Some lipstick (in nude, coral, a light shade of pink and a gold-ish one)
  
  

Embarrassed

is not the word, I was so drunk on the previous post.

Crapsong.

Can't bare my arms
For fear of my scars,
When I do,
People look at me like i'm from Mars.

They're not self-inflicted,
Just shite I have to live with
Until my heart has reached it's limit.

They say,
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
I must be from jupiter,
I should have a penis.

I'm rude, I swear, I smoke,
Always the butt end of the joke
But I wouldn't be happy
If I was a bloke,

Because a
Womans perspective
Of life and how we should live,
Of giving what you should give
Makes you more responsive

To the
Bollocks that we see
Every day
From children starving to the K.K.K
Makes you want to get right up and
Make a change
And who knows
Maybe we'll get there one day.

As I walk down the street
And hear the tapping of my feet
Nothing else, I feel so at peace

With myself
My body
My life and how it's going
I feel myself change
And adapt, as i'm growing.

Recently i've felt on a permanent high
No one ever can knock me about my life,
Sure i've had my lows and done some daft things
But yet when I take the time to breathe and think
My mind becomes clear,
I won't remember next year.

Eventful

nights.
It's currently 2:52 and I have spent the last 24 hours in bed recovering from a mad party that was now tecnically 2 days ago.
I turned up half an hour early in a taxi fit for a king (a.k.a a huge people carrier type thing) and sat in Beths garden with Lottie, Beth, Daisy, Conor and Lucy drinking gin and smoking, and trying to play the 'G'day Bruce' game.

After drinking a lot more everyone else turned up and there was a nice big group of us chilling and chatting when suddenly we hear that there are loads of people outside and that more are coming, I looked out the window and there were loads of the buggers on the front lawn.
The police were called and they all ran off.

Then after about half an hour of chilling, the buggers came back but there were more this time. they climbed over the garden fence and they were surrounding the house, some of them were inside the house too.
Beth locked the back door and she was really upset which sucked and made me want to hurt someone.

The police were called again, and after they heard that two kitchen knives were missing they were doing searches on people. In all the commotion me Alec, Daisy Conor and Lucy all crammed in Daisys moms car (Conor went in the boot) and she dropped me and Alec off at penns lane where, after a failed attempt to walk me home, I walked home alone.

After getting in I was greeted by my mother, her friend Cheryl and my brother Craig all drunk and smoking in the garden, so I joined in until about half 4. After a full bottle of rosé, 6 cigs and some cheesy mash I crawled into bed at quarter to six.
Woke up at half 8, drank my weight in water then went back to bed and haven't moved since!

And Daisys having a party tonight, which will kill me.

Fun stuff!

Note to self!

Download the following songs that iTunes managed to reject like an arsehole.
-Keep The Faith
-Don't Walk Away
-Fly Away
-Streetwalker
-Just Good Friends
by Michael Jackson and also
-Girlfriend In A Coma
-First Of The Gang To Die
by Morrissey.

I fucking hate modern tecnology sometimes!

Know what?

Who gives a fuck.
So what I don't spend hours painting (i'm not even that much of a painter, collage and textiles is more my thing if i'm honest.).
So what I don't dream about art and death and religion and all the other things these arty types dream about.
So what I don't drink my coffee black.
And heaven forbid I enjoy food and eat at least three meals a day.
So what i'm short.
So what I don't have flowing locks that look immaculate even when i've just woken up.
So what I look terrible without makeup.
So what I don't drink red wine (it's tastes like piss and vinegar).

Fuck it.
I enjoy my life.
I have many passions, my life could go down any path I choose, just because I am currently undecided does not mean I have no future.
I will make a name for myself, doing something I enjoy.
And when I am certain what I want out of my life, you can be sure that I will work fucking hard for it.

Because, nowadays, being proud of yourself shouldn't make you appear obnoxious.
Having self-worth shouldn't make you look self-obsessed.

If you know what you want, go and get it, and fuck everyone else.
(Literally if you have to.)

Finally

gathered enough drive and inspiration to begin the start of my work.
Need to put my own personal projects on hold for a while and just focus on this.

Here is a preview of what is to come.
By the way, it looks a bit crap because I took it using the webcam attatched to the laptop i'm on at the moment. Couldn't be arsed finding my camera.

Stop

repeating!
This just keeps going on inside my brain.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark. No dawn, no day. I'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart.

I have a very sore throat and i'm a bit hungry but oh well.
Shine on, and all that.

As far as I am concerned

I do not want your concern.

There's no

innocence left.
I feel vile today.









I will be fine tomorrow.

Reminder!

Kitty, when you get home download:
I'm Not Calling You A Liar,
Howl,
Kiss With A Fist,
Girl With One Eye,
Drumming,
Between Two Lungs,
Cosmic Love,
My Boy Builds Coffins,
Hurricane Drunk &
Blinding by Florence and the Machine.

Alice, I love you.

I remember reading Alice in Wonderland before I saw the film and how amazing everything was.
How, to a child it's a book full of magic and surprises, where things that never could exist suddenly spring in to life; and even to an adult, it seems like a drug-fuelled fantasy fairytale, yet still no one can deny the pure genius behind it.
I want my life to be more like Wonderland.
Where nothing is as it seems, and everything is full of spectacle and surprise, imagination, colour, ingenius wit and dark comedy.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."
-Alice.

Absolutely

gutted at the amount of parties I have missed, they all looked like so much fun!
Still, i'll be home on friday so...
:)

Purchased

some Doc Marten-esque boots and an organic cotton top today, absolutely gorrrrgeous!
Such a fantastic day, and now apparently I'm going back home on friday instead:)
Yesss!

"And we kissed like we invented it."

I am in awe.

-Starlings
-The Bones Of You
-Mirrorball
-An Audience With The Pope
-Weather To Fly
-The Loneliness of a Tower Crane Driver
-The Fix
-Some Riot
-One Day Like This
-Friend of Ours.

"We're swapping the turf for the sand and the surf and the sin."

Sensational

album, Elbow - Seldom Seen Kid.
Absolutely fantastic I never get tired of it.

Don't be put off if Grounds For Divorce isn't your cup of tea, download the whole album, it stretches over so many different sounds, from sweet little acoustic numbers, melodic indie anthems to alternative tunes.

Lost for words!

Simple pleasures

like a handful of almonds with a bit of golden syrup.
Mmmmmmmm!

And I will only be complete when

these are mine:



Yumyumyummy!

Wow

I'm sooo in love with the world at the moment!
I am going to a festival in Edinburgh tomorrow, hopefully will go to Glasgow at some point in the next week.

The cutest thing just happened, my little brother and sister, Sam and Amy, were playing with trains, I wasn't concentrating so I don't know what happened, but suddenly my little brother threw his trains down and ran off crying.
I thought I would leave him to it, to calm down on his own but Amy followed him and I could hear her whispering to him,
"I'm sorry, Sam, I really am sorry, but listen; I still love you."
Cutest thing I have ever heard a 5 year old say.


I'm losing weight like a bitch and I don't know how it's happening, I haven't changed at all.
Maybe it's my hormones.
Well whatever it is, it better bloody keep going, this is ace!



What I love right now:

• Still in love with lace, even though everyone has at least one lace dress thanks to Urban Outfitters and Topshop, I still love the way it looks, feels and the simple elegance of it.
  
• Sex Pistols - Friggin' in the Riggin. I've been a Sex Pistols fan for a long time, but this song had slipped under my radar until recently. One of the most cleverly-written and hilarious songs I have heard recently.
  
• My Urban Outfitters monochrome patterned skirt. Ooh lala!
  

Oh and you're just a bit more than amazing too.

A true man.

Perfection.

Just marry me now.

Remember, remember!

things I need/to do.

• Save money for mucho new nose studs, try a nose ring.
• Come to a decision hairwise, stay bright red (limits makeup use, i.e. looks stupid with red lipstick but yet red lipstick looks great on me/red hair really goes with my skin tone/makes me stand out more) or chocolate brown (can wear whatever makeup and still look nice but will have ordinary, boring hair and will have to make an effort with makeup every day/but hair will get better condition-wise because I wont have to dye the roots or anything/but will look just like my best friend who has brown hair and a thick fringe)
• Buybuybuy more clothes! Am in desperate need!
• And shoes, I have various ideas of the shoes I want:
  
  
  
• Download more Björk stuff - There's More To Life Than This/Play Dead/The Anchor Song just the whole of her album Debut.
• Remember to file nails regularly instead of leaving them to crack until I have to cut them off and start again.
• Stick to this healthy eating regime I seem to have slipped into, it's working!
• Butter up mama to give me cash to maybe go camping on the Results Day weekend.

!!!!!!!!!!!
!!

Possibly the sweetest thing.

Haven't

done a new blog in AGES.

Quick update on my life, my holiday with the girls was FAB, I might upload pictures soon, depending on whether I can be bothered, it's a lot of effort on a slow computer yaknow!
Since i've got back i've spent my time panicking about results day.
I'm now in Scotland, again.
Cut off from practically everything, but i'm excited to be here, it means I can focus on the artwork that I have to do and have some time for myself to think about things.
Plus i'm thrilled because I loveloveLOVE Glasgow and we go everytime i'm up here so, yay!

Been working really hard doing research and writing notes, because the printers broke, I have to email all my work to my dad and get him to print it all off, like pictures to put in my sketch book but, i'm loving the fact that I now have more acryllics, my set is increasing!

Had a lush day today, watched a gorgeous film with Marilyn Monroe in (finally, a real woman! Did any of you know that Marilyn Monroe is one of the sexiest women of all time and was actually a size 16! Suck on THAT size zero). It was called "Let's make love" but no it wasn't rude you dirty minxes it was really lovely.
Then I had a really big cup of cocoa with three sugars and frothy milk, drew a couple of "bored sketches" mainly cosisting of high heels and pac man.
After researching various artists including Cornelia Parker (1st picture below) and Kent Rogowski (obviously second) and taking pictures of myself morphing light, I am now sat in the living room. It's absolutely freezing, my little toes are going to fall off! I can hear my step-mom trying to play with my little sister and her friend Ishbal. They are all screaming so loud and playing this chaotic hyper game it's making my head hurt.
My little brother is elsewhere on his own.
Like me, he's more than happy to be alone.
It's nice to have so much in common:)

Oh, now Ishbal's mom is here.
She is an odd looking woman, and she's quite rude too. I dislike her.
She looks like she never returned from the crap fashion phases of the 90's.

The headache is getting worse, i'm starving!
Hmm...