Did it! :))))

Grab Fate by the throat.

Still awake.
So much on my mind as per when I can't sleep.
Oh well it's ten past 6, i'll get out of bed in a bit after half of a shitty film (damn you, Megavideo) and have a cuppa.

I WANT TO DO MY HAIR WHITE NOWNOWNOW.
Do I, buy the bleach and just do it myself tomorrow or wait until monday and get it done professionally for over twice the price?
Bear in mind if it fucks up, I will have to go to the hairdressers anyway?
And what if my hair falls out?!

Fuck it, I might fully go for it.
Yes.
I think i will.
God it's gonna hurt.

Today made me realise

I'm so fucking done with being lonely
and skint
and an irritable cunt all the time.

I need someone hilarious and fucking sexy to make me happy and go all red and stupid like I used to.
Y'know, all smitten to the point of making everyone around me sick.

It seems like everybody's settling down and finding people except me.
I mean, I don't mind being alone that much but I HAVEN'T HAD A SHAG SINCE MARCH.
AND EARLY MARCH AT THAT.
MARCH!

Oh well, fuck it, I'm (hopefully) dying my hair white on monday.
If it fails I will literally cry.

New winter coat ♥

Realised how late I am with a proper blonde picture but still ahahaha.
Will be hopefully going white blonde this saturday.

I should

really follow some of my own advice.

"Don't doubt yourself because of some dickhead boy/cruel slut. You are lovely and you deserve happiness. Move on and find it."
Kitty Jayne Calderbank (a.k.a, me)
Monday, April 19, 2010




Need to be up and getting ready for school in an hour and 20 minutes.

Forgot

how much I love U2.
Say what you want about Bono, his voice is gorgeous.

Get ya rat out, get ya rat out, sweatin like a beaver.

Found

a fantastic website that feautres all the words you need to know from the French language.
I speak a fair amount of French but this website's really opened my eyes;)

http://www.orbilat.com/Languages/French/Vocabulary/French-Uncensored.html

Just incase you're too lazy to visit the link, i'll write some of my favourite words below and you can find them;)

Con.
Couiller.
Sans déconner.
Va t'faire enculer.
Fils de pute / putain.
Grande folle.
Je veux lécher ton foutre.
Que tu es emmerdant!

:)

Nobody knows it,
But you've got a secret smile;
And you use it
Only for me.

Still can't sleep.

Mmmmmmmmmmmthinkingtoomuch...

Hmm, you're the kind of person I like to look at.
The kind of person who's not plain at all.
You have loads of little trinkets all over you, loads of designs loads of flaws, patterns, chaos.
Nice aesthetically.

But you're so stereotypical.
You may think the clothes on your back and your robbed jewellery and shit self-done-but-proper-sentimental-tattoos and your home-cut hair make you unique but they don't.
You're just on-trend.
You're a passing craze.
Your entire look and personality will change just as quickly and painlessly as fashion does.
Don't think for one minute that I haven't met people like you before.
There are thousands of you there, i'm friends with some of you.

But I see you.
No, not the clothes, not the annoyingly trendy hair, but you.
The you that you may not always want to admit to being.

You can't hide from me.
And most likely you'll know who you are if you read this.
But I'm not going to flatter myself into thinking you will.


This is all just sleepy-angst.
I probably won't remember writing this tomorrow but it doesn't make it any less relevant.
You can't hide from me.

Lie With Me

is such a brilliant film.

Am lying in bed, can't sleep again.
My hair is in some weird accidental beehive that is surprisingly neat.
I look like a housewife from the 50's ahaaaa.

Watching Lie With Me, am all comfy and warm, have had such a nice day.
First day of sixthform after half term and did no work at all.
Got home, had some lovely chats with my mom, we cackled at Dirty Sanchez episodes.
She went off for a bit to do an exam for her masters (!) and I had a nap.
Later we got locked out of the house like idiots and had to scream through the letterbox and ring the doorbell to wake my stepdad up.
It was so cold and all I was wearing was a thin t-shirt dress.
I wanted a smoke, not pneumonia!

Got back in, made plans with my boy best friend for tomorrow and a little shopping with mom aftwerwards.
Got a really lovely (and emotional) phonecall that really widened my perspective of things, made me realise how good things are going for me right now and that I do really whinge about the most stupid stuff.

Am feeling dead inspired too, which is handy seeing as I have a three week deadline for about three quarters of my art work.

So happy, everything is going so well.

Something needs to change.

Saw this on another girl's blog and decided to answer it while i'm waiting for Megavideo to stop being such a cunt.

1. Would you like to be a vampire? Why, why not?
-No, because they don't exist.

2. Who is your favourite Hollywood diva?
-Tyra Banks is adorable.

3. What is your favourite city in the US? Why?
-Miami, happy memories from a really really brilliant holiday.

4. If you could change the country you're from, where would you like to be from?
-Probably France because then I wouldn't have all these pre-pubescent girls giving me compliments because I smoke and wear red lipstick. It'd just be kind of standard I suppose, part of the culture.

5. Do you sleep enough?
-I do now, more than enough 'cause it's half term.

6. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-HAHAHAHA oh God no.

7. How would your live be without Facebook and other social networking sites?
-Fine probably. It'd be annoying/expensive to have to depend on my phone to find out what people are up to and to organise things.

8. What's your favourite season and why?
-I like all the seasons for different reasons really, it's a tough one to answer. I'll say summer though. Just because you don't have to bother with coats etc. and it's really ahrd for people to be miserable in the sunshine.

9. Which actor or actress should play you in a film?
-Toss up between Kate Winslet and Helena Bonham Carter.

10. 10 famous people you'd invite to a party?
-Pixie Geldof just to see if she's actually nice, Professor Green, Ben Drew, Samuel L Jackson, Helena Bonham Carter, Jack O'Connor, Kele Okereke, Alice Glass, Dylan Moran and Glen Hansard

11. If you were a city, which one would you be?
-Manchester, obviously.

12. Where do babies come from?
-Ya mom's punan.

13. Imagine you'd invent your own cocktail. How would you call it?
- Screaming Orgasm.
Oh wait...

14. How would you call your very own restaurant?
-Munch.

15. Pick 5 people you'd like to go to an desert island for a couple of weeks?
-Arron, Elijah, my mom, Barrack Obama and Tom Hanks.

16. Why can't you have it?
-Have what?

17. Why don't you just go get it?
-I would if I knew what the fuck you were on about.

18. The last film you watched?
-Vampires Suck.

19. Did you like it?
-Yeeee, s'funny.

20. Your earliest childhood memory?
-Got a few.

21. What would you cook for dinner on a date?
-Would I fuckkkkk!

22. What's your favourite animal?
-Anything feline.

23. You're going on a longish trip. Pick 10 destinations.
-Can't be arsed right now, everywhere.

24. What's your favourite film?
-Bridget Jones is me in film form.

25. The hardest drug you ever took?
-For me to know.

26. Why do you do it if you know it's not good for you?
-Done it once.

27. The last time you cried?
-Today.
That sounds so emo ahaha. I never usually cry but I was told my aunty had died today.

28. What makes you sure you're in love?
-Instinct and the urge to scream "I love _____" from the rooftops.

29. What do you like about yourself?
-The fact that i'm not as much of a twat as I make out sometimes.

30. Are you a good friend? Why, why not?
-I'd like to think so, yes.
I have morals.

31. The last time you were lovesick?
-Oh, all the time man.

32. What did you learn today?
-That my aunty died.

33. Your favourite tea?
-Earl Grey.

34. Who's your favourite ''it girl''?
-How pathetic.

35. Do you think you're pretty?
-Honestly I think i'm like standard.
Not amazingly beautiful but not horrifically vile either.
Some (most) times I have off days where I think I look grim, but honestly I think it's my personality that makes it difficult for me to find anyone.
I'm mental sometimes.

36. How would you call yourself if you could pick another name or do you like your name?
-My name's alright.
I wouldn't pick like a really ordinary name, because I find myself even now getting annoyed when people have the same name as me.
Probably because i'm used to being the only person I know called Kitty.

37. What's your favourite time of the day?
-Bedtime.

38. What's your favourite holiday?
-Whitsun 'cause it's my birthday in that week.

39. Are you happy?
-I was when Bridget jones was on, now I have to google another good film.

40. Can you swim well?
-Moderately.

41. Which languages would you like to be able to speak?
-French and German fluently would be nice.
I know a fair bit of French and can remember some GCSE German but it'd be nice to be fluent.

42. Favourite cities?
-Manchester, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Devon.

43. Where would you like to live for a while or would you like to stay where you're living now?
-Manchester.

44. Would you like children one day if you haven't any already?
-Never ever.

45. Who is your best friend?
-Nicole Hempton.

46. Do you live by the sun, the stars, the moon or by all of them?
-What the fuck.

47. What's your favourite element?
-Fire?

48. Who do you miss right now and in general?
-I really miss my dad.

49. The best film you ever watched?
-Bridget Jones.

40. The best thing about love?
-How self assured and happy and confident and pretty it makes you feel.

41. Things you don't like about yourself?
-I'm annoying, impatient, demanding, tend to be a bit of a know-it-all, short tempered, lazy, too carefree, insane etc.

42. Would you like to be the opposite gender for a day? What would you do?
-Yes and obviously stare at myself naked.

43. Favourite magazines?
-Style and You.

44. Are you interested in fashion? Why, why not?
-To a certain degree.
Fashion looks good on other people, I just buy/wear whatever I like.

45. Who's your favourite artist?
-Tracey Emin fo eva.

46. What's luxury for you?
-Not having to do anything.

47. Where would you like to go on holiday right now?
-Miami again.

48. Your favourite food?
-Toss up between sushi and chocolate.

49. What would you like to say to the president of your country?
My country doesn't have a president.

50. Are you a dreamer? Do you like it?
-Sometimes. Yes, it makes things interesting.

Been a long time.

Not posted in fucking ages.
Feeling pretty low as of right now.
Had a brilliant day, my friend Mari turned 18, was sat in the pub with everyone celebrating when I get a text from my dad saying my aunty has died.
I left within like half an hour.

I'm not that bad, like i'm upset but I don't really get upset about deaths much.
not much point really is there, fuckall anyone can do about it.
Plus I didn't want to take any of the limelight off Mari and everyone kept like ooh-ing and ahh-ing over me and I felt a bit selfish in all honesty.
So when I got home I sent Mari a text telling her to have a good night and she sent me such a nice one back.
What a bloody brilliant girl.

I need to get drunk, quickly.
I grabbed a gladd of red when I got in but I didn't really fancy drinking alone.
Considered getting Joe.A round to keep me company but the last thing I want is sympathy or anything, just want some normal conversation.

Other than that, got fuckall to report really.
Apart from the fact that i'm blonde now.
Observe: http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs454.ash2/72703_447133927244_639217244_5966246_7477611_n.jpg

But yeah, s'about it really.
How exciting...

Alone

in the darkroom at sixthform, rying to do work.
Seeing as i've not written anything valid in ages, I guess I'd better give an update or something.

Still single, still piss-poor (gonna put up some ads for babysitting or something though soon, i'm getting desperate), still trying to up my A-Levels etc, however i'm getting my hair dyed on friday.
Stupidly excited.

RealisedI needed a change and I don't want to go black as it's a bastard to get rid of and I'm too pale, i'd look like a goth.
So i've decided to go this colour:

I'm soooo excited but because my scalp is so sensetive I know i's going to fucking kill.
They'll have to put really strong bleach on it, then a toner.
Last time I had my hair bleached my scalp bled.
Hopefully this'll be ok though.

I'm nervous as well, it's such a massive change, I haven't been blonde in so long. I think about four years.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

SO PISSED OFFFFFFFFFF

Can't find this fucking artisttttttt fuckfuckfucksake.
Being an art student is the most STRESSFUL thing ever sometimes.
Seriously fuck my life.

I want

to be inspired, to be motivated, i'm so fed up of being pissed off and bitchy all the fucking time.
Fuck this I need a smoke.
I'm off to Manchester today to see Mama Loco (my gran).
Hmmm.

Quite tragic really.

Having the worst day ever.
This computer has pretty much established that it hates me and has just fucked up ALL of the artist research I was going to print off.
Just had enough now, grrrrrrrr.

Does it feel better than love?

Not gonna lie, I fully fancy Theo Hutchcraft.
And he's a fellow Mancunian.
Oh me oh myyyyyyyy.

He's the one furthest forward.
Swoon, swoon.

The story of Arron Singh Gill.

Because he asked.


This is a completely 100% true story about Arron Gill, otherwise known as "Gizz" (but I hate that nickname so I won't use it).
Arron Gill is a beautiful chocolate man who enjoys schmokin' the green, taking pictures in strange outfits, being happy and learning about English Language.
Arron Gill goes to Arthur Terry school with me, where we laugh, learn and laugh some more.
However, this is a chilling tale that shocked both Arron and I right to the core.
(truth be told I seemed more bothered about this at the time, but because Arron asked me to write a story about him, he will be the main character.)

One day Arron and I went to English Language, one of Arron's most favouritest lessons on earth to see one of the most amazing teachers ever, Mrs Beedon.
Or so we thought.
After a few minutes of giggles and whatnot as we took our seats, Beedon began to speak.
"Hello class, blahblahblahblah... my name is no longer Beedon, it has now changed back no my maiden name, Bull. I will no longer respond if you refer to me as 'Beedon.'"
Arron couldn't believe it.
No one could believe it.
But especially not Arron.
Because it was unbelieveable.
So unbelieveable he couldn't believe it.
His heart sunk in his chest.
The panic rose to his brain.
He was sweating like a nun in a brothel as his beautiful rap for Beedon flashed before his eyes.
No longer could he shout with his fellow warriors:

FIRST ON THE MIKE IT'S BEEEEEEDON
DRAW FOR THE SHANK IT'S BEEEEEEDON
DON'T WANNA MESS WITH BEEEEEEEEEEEEDON etc etc etc.

He and his fellow comrades at the table attempted to incorperate "Miss Bull" into the rap, but to no avail.
He could slowly feel his heart breaking.
Tears welled in his eyes...
Then we got Miss to tell some jokes and after 2 minutes he was sound as a pound.
The End.

There you go, Arron.
It's a masterpiece, I know.
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

"Missus, bird, chick."

I don't want some crazy intense romance where if i'm not being swept off my feet somehow, then we're having a meal at a fancy restaurant with my parents.

To be honest I just wouldn't mind being someone's "bird".
Chill in the pub every now and then, getting shit takeaways and shitter films, cotching with collective mates, not having to text/call/be with each other all the time to know the feeling's there.

I'm actually baking some pains au chocolat so I need to go now.

Don't have time

to write much because i'm working, but this needs updating.

In a nutshell, Leeds was beyond fucking amazing, i'll get some pictures up when I get the photos developed.
I pulled at Leeds which was nice and now I couldn't give a fuck about the person I whine about in the post below.
My attitude has changed and I love it.
For a change it's me who doesn't know what I want, but not because of pressure or whatever, but because i've got so much choice, I don't have to just settle for less anymore.

All I need now is for this horrible flu to go and then my life will be pretty sweet.

Popped a couple

of viagra.
Says on the internet it shouldn't do anything but i'm feeling a bit weird.
All queasy and emotional at the same time.
Listened to two kate Nash songs and i'm in tears, pahahahahaha i'm so stupid.
Kate, you cunt.
You clever, pretty cunt.
Thirty five people couldn't count
On two hands the amount of times you've made me stop
Stop and think why you bein' such a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead.
Why you bein' a dickhead for?
You're just fucking up situations.

But on the other hand...

All I know is that you're so nice.
You're the nicest thing i've seen.
I wish that
We could give it a go,
See if we could be something.



Sometimes, you don't think about what you say or do and you come across really snidey and mean.
Sometimes, I really hate being around you because it's just a headfuck that isn't worth it.
But sometimes, I find myself missing you.
"Sometimes" isn't enough, though.

I don't miss YOU.
I miss the IDEA of you.
The memory I have of you when things were going my way, but things have changed, now.
We've both changed.
It's obvious you have no idea what you want, which is fair enough really.
I'm focusing on what I want, for a change, because no one else is gonna do it for me.

Even I have no idea whether something will happen between us again or not.
There was closure the first time, and that was cool, I started seeing someone else which was alright.
Then you made the drunken mistake of thinking you wanted me back and threw me in limbo, having to guess whether you meant it or not because you wouldn't just talk to me about it.
That wasn't fair.

Fuck knows anymore man.

I'm not gonna rot about waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
I'm on the pull at Leeds, and every other event afterwards.
I hope for my sake I find someone else, because it's clear that you have no idea what you want.

Going home

bright and early tomorrow.
On the train from Glasgow to Birmingham, alone.
Should be alright though, i'm not fussed.
I just want a cigarette and all my mates, to be honest.

LEEDS IN A FEW DAYS OH MY GOD.

I have so much shit to sort out in the meantime, though, how irritating.

Not meaning to sound like a repetetive little Indie twat, but swear down, inbetween all the pointlessness, Mumford & Sons seriously speak my mind sometimes.
Listen to their album and guaranteed you'll manage to find at least one song that you can relate to/identify with completely.

Decided that,

at Leeds i'm going to tattoo myself.
All I need is some Indian ink, a lighter, a needle and some thread.
I intend to get tipsy, then do it.
Or maybe do it whilst sober then get wrecked after.
I'm going to do a peace sign on my left wrist, and then, if it goes well, I will do more.

But there will come a time, you'll see;

With no more tears,
And love will not break your heart,
But dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see,
What you find there.
With grace in your heart,
And flowers in your hair.

Mmmmmmmmahahahaahhaahahahahaha!

Everything would be so perfect if I wasn't so bone idle.
I'm listening to Frank by Amy Winehouse (one of my favourite albums) but the CD is scratched and the last song has been skipping on a loop for at least fifteen minutes.
Fuck it.
I'm so happy.
The weather's rubbish and i'm tired because I was up all night doing art but I just don't care!
So so so happy!

CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT LEEDS.
ONLY 10 DAYS!

Another

week until I have to go home, and I am SO happy here!
Stole some pretty cool shit from the gift shops of a few Art galleries around Perth.
It's going to be so much easier to do some art now.

I'm really happy, the only problem I have right now is that i'm absolutely HANK MARVIN.
But my food's nearly ready so, just keep smiling.
I've lost weight up here and my skin is all smooth and officially eczema free so I can doss about and pull at Leeds without worrying whether my makeup is flaking off my face or any other digusting things like that.

Eczema is such a fucking bastard i'm so HAPPY mine's gone.
I used to have it on my chin, my neck, my back and all over my arms and the back of my legs at one point and now it's completely gone!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm so excited for Leedsfest, not long to go now!

£38

for a train ticket to/from Glasgow to Birmingham.
If I ever run away i'm coming straight here, I lovelovelove it here.

I realised last night when I really wanted to sleep that I have SO much to look forward to!

I have another week in Scotland, then I have a nice little solo train journey back which should be fun, then a few days after I get back I have Leedsfest, then I start my last year of sixthform, then it's my best friend's 18th which should be fucking LEGENDARY to say the least, then it's christmas and ting, then I go to Dublin with Thom and Ellis and other people in February.
And i'll definitely have a fair few random parties thrown in there.

Plus, my skin is so good, all the stress-spots I had last week have gone, and my eczema has practically disappeared and my skin is gorgeous and smooth and soft.

So happy and stress-free right now!
Couldn't be happier!

Hahahahahahaha.

I'm in Scotland and I can honestly say i've never been so happy to get out of Birmingham.
Today is also the start of my 10 day detox from cigarettes and booze.
It's going well so far, I'm not feeling the effects, i'm having fun with my little brother and sister and I'm distracted from all the shit that's been holding me down the past few weeks.

I climbed a mountain today.
A small mountain, but a mountain nontheless.

Watching

Ewan McGregor cry is possibly the single most heartbreaking thing on the planet!

Fucking

owwwwwwwww owww fuckedy owwwww!
Stupid fucking wisdom teeth!
They're actually vile, they hurt!
Plus the top right one's just poking through and it's reeeeaaaaaally far back, so when i speak it just feels like I have some food stuck back there or some disgusting shit like that.
It's grim, I hate it!


Had a good day today though, woke up to texts off Chloe, we had a sleepy text conversation about how we were both still in bed and couldn't be bothered to move.
I think I eventually surfaced about an hour later at quarter to 2.

I then dossed about the house for hours, my parents went to go see Cats and Dogs 2 in 3D.
Apparently it was shite, gutted.
Then Conor, Jen, Chloe and Andy came round and we spent a few hours in my garden, chatting shit, gossiping about somne fight that was supposed to have happened today, and going over Conor's stolen produce from his holiday.
I drank the mint tea he stole from the hotel along with stolen hotel sugar.
I now am also the proud owner of a shower cap, a comb and a little sewing kit.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't love them a little bit.

We went out for a cruise in his car and as per my mother was all pissy about it.
Fuck it I don't care anymore, i'm going to Scotland in a few days.

We dropped Chlo and Jen home and me, Conor and Andy were cotched outside a chinese takeaway place for a full hour before we decided to go in and get food.
The food made us all dead sleepy so Conor dropped me back home for 12 and i've been really callllmmmmm and relaaaaaaaaaxed on the sofa ever since.

Nothing's phased me at all today, absolutely nothing.
It's been lovely to be honest, I had missed Conor.

Still can't waaaaaaaaaaait to leave everything and go to Scotland, get my head down, get some proper work done and just relax and have fun with my brother and sister who I miss unbearably.

Sounds weird but

the sound of rain properrrrly chills me out.
Which is strange because I really don't like rain.
But it sounds so nice, so callllllmmmmmmm now.
Gonna go make a cuppa and chill in the living room, don't care if mom's in there i'll just deaf her out and read a book; she can be a bitch on her own.

Really

had enough of all this immaturity just circulating about.
Don't get me wrong, I have the mind/attention span of a child but some people are just taking the piss now.
If you've got a problem, talk, have it out, fight if needs be, then man up and move on.
Don't flounce about all bitter and pouting, begging attention or milking the argument, it's irritating and childish.
Ironic really seeing as my mother is doing that right now.
Oh and what is with all this "fricking" business?
Just say "fuck" and get over yourself, we all know that's what you meant.

Need to find someone new now.
Someone cute who makes me laugh and is a bit vulnerable.
Mmmmmm.

Miserable

and sleepy.
Please just leave me alone.
I don't want to like you anymore.





However, recieved some very happy news today that i'm dead chuffed about.
Can't write anymore about it because i've been sworn to secrecy but it's pretty much made my life.

Not slept again.

Practically paraplegic on the sofa watching these lovelies;



♥

I miss

the sun.
And being partically ginger, that was fun too.

We've got obsessions.

I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.

I'm cool

with being single, i'll just live my relationship dreams through watching my friends flourish in theirs until Mr or Miss Right comes along.

Smilesmilesmile.

Brave face is firmly slapped on.
Slight moment of weakness last night on the whole happiness front, but back on it now.
Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile!

Hello.

I'm Kitty and I fucking hate everyone.
No, no, I love everyone.

No, yes, no, no, yes, no, yes, yes, yes.

I don't know.

I just need a cuddle, one of your cuddles.
And hearing your laugh would be great, too.
That's all I want.
I miss you so much.
(This applies to at least six completely different people, near and far, young and old, family and friends.)

I'm so happy it makes me sad sometimes.
Only for a little while, like now.
I don't really know why.
Probably because I like to think about the past, past times where i've felt this happy.
The memories make me smile, the only thing that saddens me is the different circumstances from then to now.
For example, some of my memories feature people who are no longer alive/friends with me.
Some feature ex lovers/boyfriends.
Some feature just really really fun and happy times that I know I will never be able to replicate.
Some feature really beautiful things/people that I wish i'd have gotten some photo-evidence of.

Oh well.
In 5 minutes I know i'll be fine and smiley again.
In 10 minutes I'll be turning the lights off and packing this laptop away.
In 15 minutes I'll be undressed in bed, taking my makeup off and applying moisturiser.
In 20 minutes I'll be comfortable in bed, reading.
I'll probably drop off to sleep in about 40 minutes.

Au revoir.

While

I'm getting used to/starting to love my new hair, I can't stop feeling a little bit sad about all the people I miss.
I know so many people who I haven't seen in so fucking long and it makes me proper upset.
It's time's like these I wish I had a car/driver's licence/unlimited £££ just so I could see everyone again.




On a slightl less depressing note, i'm watching a French film with English subtitles and i'm dead chuffed i've barely had to read the subtitles at all to understand le film.

"Evasion est facile. Le plus dur est séjournent gratuitement."

Black hair.

Read the saddest book today as well.
Funny but sad.

Decided

roughly a week or so ago that I don't give a shit what you do.
Do whatever, have fun, laugh about, cop off with as many people as you like.
I don't care anymore.
There is literally no point.

I'll be a good friend to you, and I know you're there for me when I need you, which is good because i'm here for you too.
But I can't carry on thinking something will happen when there isn't that spark between us anymore because you keep avoiding me.
You've made it clear you want nothing to do with me in that way, so i'm going to respect your decision and think about myself and my happiness and my feelings.

My summer started two days ago, and I will enjoy myself if it kills me.
Had a lovely chilled night last night, getting high, eating/talking about/dancing to/drinking everything with Chlo.
We went back to mine, had Nutella sandwiches and we fell asleep on the sofa, I fell asleep first halfway through Saw V.

I may watch all the Saw movies today, actually.
Got buggerall else to do.

No sign

of mid-week blues, I'm so happy it feels like it should be a friday.
The weather is more on the shite side but I don't caaaaaaare.

The start of the week was pretty grim as I got into loads of shit for not going to lessons, so I spent hours and hours working to make up for it (which I would NEVER usually do, lemme tell yer) and it's all paid off.
Also, work has been stressing me out as I haven't been in AGES and I was scared they'd have a go at me but I texted one of my bosses today and she was so great, she just told me to call her and we can fit in hours arounf my schedule.
Sure there's drama with people at sixthform (which is fuckall to do with me, but it still effects me if that makes sense) but whateverrrrr man, I don't caaaaare.
Just so happy.

There's a certain thing that's been annoying me for a couple of days doe.
Did you really mean it or were you just pissed?
Arr, fuck it I can't be arsed.
Whatever happens, happens.
I'm just gonna chiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllll and take life as it comes.

So happy and stressfree.

Gonna go work on my art now, I have a few quality pieces but I'm gonna leave it a bit before I get any scans up.
Wanna do some more so it looks more impressive;)

If you could

fuck off for good, that would make my life practically perfect.
Cheers.

Why I don't keep a diary.

-Too easy to lose.
You pour your heart and soul into a few pages that can easily be lost or stolen or placed into the wrong hands.

-They remind you too much of your own mortality.
Pages can be ripped, burnt, ruined by rain, scrumpled up.
Paper is bio-degradable.
Your memories etc won't live on for thousands of years and inspire millions after you die. And you probably won't be remembered.
There was only one Anne Frank.

-They're too finite. The past, believe it or not, can change.
You can look back at a situation and see it through different eyes to how you did at the time.
But all you will have is a memory of how you felt/were before, and it can have a series of negative effects, because no matter how much you scribble it out, it'll still be there.

Interesting.

Been watching Shameless for the past 2 hours.
Reminds me of my old accent.

Just had some 25 year old tattoo artist asking me to go for a coffee with him, giving me his number.
I think he has a kid.
Why do I attract men with children, seriously?!
That's twice this fucking year!
He said I was "gorgeous", though.
That was nice.

Tomorrow I'm going to Birmingham Uni to look around and gather prospectuses.
I planned my outfit and i'm gonna be scouting for cuties.

I'm gonna wear grey denim shorts, aged and ripped with a plain white shirt tucked in.
Then my pale coral lace cropped blazer, black wooden rosary beads and my house-key necklace.
My hair will be clipped back loosely and i'll wear my standard red lippie.
Black tights and pale cream lace-up shoes.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, everything is looking up!


Oh, and I learned how to say "cunt" in sign language.
Fannnnnntastic!

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

CAN'T BE FUCKED WITH YOU
KNOW WHY?
ALL YOU DO IS BITCH AND MOAN OR FLIRT WITH ME.
OR ALL THREE TOGETHER.
YOU ATTEMPT TO BULLSHIT BUT I SEE STRAIGHT THROUGH YOU.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME ANYWAY, WHY BOTHER?!



Just fucking fuck off.
I don't need someone like you around, with all your fucking baggage.

Old wive's tales.

http://thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/tales.html

http://www.writers-free-reference.com/13wivestales.htm



DO AT LEAST 2 A4 SKETCHES.
FIND RELEVANT ARTISTS.
DA VINCI/PICASSO TECHNIQUES!

Sat in Art

again, dossing.
Watching an art film based on how childhood affects your art.
Curently the focus is on Tracey Emin, we've just watched Grayson Perry.

It's actually dead interesting.

I lovelovelove Tracey Emin so much, I have for a long time.

T.E FO' EVAAAAAA.

I swear

my love life this year has been fucking disasterous.
I should get "hopeless romantic" tattooed on my forehead!

Do you ever

meet someone/speak to someone and you connect/find them attractive and then in your head imagine a future together?
I was speaking to my friend about this the other day, so I know it's not just me who does it.

You like, imagine seeing them everyday, and being part of their lives, and cooking them meals when they're ill, and picking them up from school/work, and going on day trips, and nights out with all the mutual family/friends you'll acquire.

Well basically I did that today about someone new.
Not gonna go into too much detail incase she reads this.
But it's confusing.
For reasons i'll go into if something comes of this.

I'm so

inspired at the minute.
I just want to rip and tear and paint and stitch and pour myself onto a canvas.
But for now I shall stick to shitloads of artist research.
I get lazy last year, but this year I am going to try with my art.
I know I have the skill and potential to succeed it's just the effort that gets me.

Sometimes I hate being so naturally chilled and lazy with work.

Artartartttttt.

Bored.

Sat with Tom and Soph, bored shitless in the art room.
Gonna type in my research for my new project in here, so I remember to print it all off:')


-Nouvea Réalisme

• Arman - Condition of Woman 1 (mixed media, metal, wood and glass).
• Jacques Mahé de la Villeglé - Jazzmen (torn posters mounted on canvas).
• Daniel Spoerri - Prose Poems (mixed media on wood).

-Postmodernism

• Jeff Wall - A Sudden Gust of Wind (photographic transparency and illuminated display case).
• Robert Rauschenberg - Almanac (oil, acrylic and silkscreen on canvas).
  Kurt Schwitters - Opened by Customs (paper collage, oil and pencil on paper).

Schwitters' work is similar to the work of the Dadaists.

-Dadaism, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dada

• Different techniques - Collage
  - Photomontage
  - Assemblage
  - Readymades
• Hannah Hóch.
• Marchel Ducamp.

What a

fantastic day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much has happened!
I'll mention the most important one first.
Two people hurt me deeply earlier in the year.
And although I didn't care most the time, I still held a grudge, and it made me bitter.
Although I settled things with one of them pretty early on, I still hadn't gotten the oppertunity to talk to the other one face to face.
The oppertunity arose today, and I was quite impressed how she was the one to talk to me first, instead of the other way round.
We hugged and giggled and it was nice.
She seems like a proper lovely girl.
That alone has just allowed me to let everything go and see that the past is irrelevant, all it is, is memories and occurrances.
As from now i'm going to live for the now, consider this my lesson learned.
I've never been built to hold grudges and i've been scrutinised for forgiving people too easily/quickly.
But I would much rather be happy and maybe a little naíve than some bitter and twisted twat who doesn't trust anyone.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:)
The second thing is, we went on an art trip looking at some A level exhibitions and honestly, it was brilliant I had such a goooood time!
The weather was beautiful and everyone was dead chilled it was fab!
Click on the pictures below to enlarge them:)

The third thing would be that I know i'm lonely and single and I know I don't like someone at the moment and probably won't meet anyone new to sweep me off my feet anytime soon.
But I don't mind so much:)
I whinge a lot and make things out to be a lot worse than they are, sometimes.
But that's just me.
The truth is, I have amazing people around me, I have brilliant oppertunities at my fingertips.
Sure, it'd be lovely to have someone to share myself, my friends, my family, my experiences, my future with.
But i'm not going to waste the little time I have moping about feeling lonely.
That's not living, that's sitting about wishing you were!
And I think i've been doing that long enough now.

Today has been such a good day, I'm so happy.
Genuinely.




Oh, and I can't stop listening to this song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW06AH0D6mY

All I need

is someone new, sexy, funny and cute to be my little whipped bitch.
Someone who I can wrap around my little finger.
Who won't fuck me around 'cause they're too devoted/keen.
Someone who will make an effort with my friends/famalam.
Someone who will want to see me/talk to me. Not all the time, but often enough to be cute and not annoying.

Asif, man.
This person doesn't fucking exist lolllllll.

I'ma just be a spinster FO EVAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Living alone and living with a billion and one cats until I die in an alcohol-induced coma at 35.

Fuck it, I'm marrying Sam in 13 years.

"If you like them, you'll fuck it up."

I must have been fucking LOVED by many.

Decided

to change the name of my blog to something a lot less pretentious.
The previous name implied that I actually take myself seriously.
I don't. Well, not all the time, hehehehe.


Raaaaainraiiiinrainyraiiiiin.

Back to sixthform for a month starting tomorrow.
Nice.






Oh yeah and nice one, Kit.
Texting him when you're drunk was a REALLY smooth move, wasn't it?
You tit!
:')

Oh well, don't care anymore.

Going crazy

again.
I feel the need to get all this out, that way I can just man up and forget about it all.
I think the reason why I keep getting spontaneous bursts of anger is because I can't really tell anyone about it because i'm scared to piss people off with my problems.
There's been so much tension with everyone recently over various different things that I just want to talk about happy stuff and ignore any bad stuff so that everyone will be happy and less confrontational.
But it's been driving me mad, i've always been very vocal about my problems and keeping it in has only made it worse.
So here goes.
And before I begin, this isn't to have a dig at anyone, I'm not blaming anyone and I'm not trying to start drama.
I just need to clear my head.

The reason why i think i'm so angry is because I'm angry at myself.
I keep blaming other people in my head but really I'm just fuming at myself.
How stupid I was, how naíve I was to just let myself go with someone again.
When you like someone, you're willing to believe anything, and I genuinely believed that I would never bore you and that we'd progress and grow in our relationship or whatever the fuck it was.
I just felt comfortable with you, I suppose.
And now it's done with and I don't know what to feel apart from anger towards myself for letting myself waste so much time on another person that didn't want the same things as me.
I'm furious that I didn't see the signs.
I'm infuriated by my behaviour towards you, I should have known it would freak you out, it'd scare anyone!
I just feel like the world's biggest tit and i'm angry at myself for letting myself like someone and then scaring them away; thus wasting another three weeks of my life on a boy.

In total I have wasted approximately 13 months of my life on boys, and I am only just 17.
An entire fucking year, and then some!
What a joke.
Well fuck boys.
WHERE DA LAYDEEEEEEEEEEEZ AT?!

This hasn't been written for your amusement, that has never been what this blog has been about.
This whole thing is for me, and me alone.
If you take enjoyment from reading my blog then that's nice, but the whole idea of this was to help me to clear my head in a more contructive way than starting fights or hitting things.

I do know one thing.
I am on the fucking PULLLLLLLL tonight!
I have whiskey, smokes and nice clothes, all I need now is someone sexy.
And I shall find someone tonight, trust me!

I really miss

the blonde days!
Might go back soon...

No sleep

again.
Been sat up all night singing/crying to The Hunchback of Notre Dame 1 & 2.
Such feeeeeeeeel-good films!
The soundtracks are amazing, too.
I love Disney soundtracks, they're fantastic, I have so many on my iPod.

If I saw me I would tell myself to go get a life!
But I can't help it, they're brrriiilllliiiannnntttttt!

My favourite soundtracks are:
He Lives In You - the Lion King 2
Heaven's Light/Hellfire - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The Circle of Life - the Lion King
Two Worlds (by Phil Collins) - Tarzan
Not One of Us - the Lion King 2
Bells of Notre Dame - the Hunchback of Notre Dame
You'll Be in My Heart (by Phil Collins) - Tarzan

So fucking good, they take you right back to your childhood and you can just get lost in the different sounds and genres and feel the scene of the film around you.

Just re-read that and it sounds properly dramatic, but I have an overly-vivid imagination.
And i'm glad I do, to be honest.

Properly

single again.
Now, excuse me while I go flirt with everything that has a pulse!

Feeling

stupid and reckless.
This may go horrrrrribly wrong.

The Defamation of Strickland Banks.

Currently obsessed with Plan B and his new album.
I didn't think I would like it at all because Who Needs Actions When You Got Words was literally genius.
But I think it's an absolutely class album, dead chilled with a lot more guitar and drum beats over rnb but the lyrics are still as spot-on as ever.
Plus I think he's fiendishly gorgeous!

Imagine this

But not pink, muted shades of blonde.
I am getting this on my shaved section which in the exact same place as this lady's, but more of mine is shaved, it ends in a line just behind my ear.
I AM SO EXCITED!

Pure and utter

emotional wreck these past few days.
Stress just kills me, seriously.
I feel drained and exhausted and panicky and frightened and it's horrid.
And it's really been fucking my mood up.
I've been a literal cunt these past few days, i've been mean to loads of people, being overly sensitive and paranoid.
It's just not like me.
I cannot wait to get this fucking exam over with, then I can relax and figure out what i'm going to do when I (probably) get kicked out of sixthform!

I'm just so exhausted.
And I've had enough of being overly sensitive it's making me so angsty and dramatic and I just blow things out of proportion in my head and panic.
And I could push a fair few people I care about away if I do that.
And that would be horrid.

So yeah, Kit.
Sort yourself out, you mess.

All day I have listened to nothing

but old school Laura Marling/Kate Nash.
Plus Laura Marling's newer stuff because it's brilliant, despite her silly accent!
Along with Dance Gavin Dance, The Beatles, Borgore, Be Your Own Pet, Metric and Lightspeed Champion.

Interesting combinations, probably matching my fucked up mood today.
Happy one second, fuming and upset the next.
Stop overthinking things, Kit!

Oh and stop reading your texts over and over again, they may be funny but I think mam's just heard you giggling from downstairs.
Not worth waking her up at half three in the morning really!

Seeing

other people all confused with their love lives/relationships makes me really appreciate mine.
Like, with the fact that I'm all content and it's all nice and chilled and it's not all blown up and put on pedestals etc.
It's just really lovely and relaxed and it has potential to develop when we want it to.
Yeah.
This is good, Kit.
Don't fuck it up.

I don't give a shit

what anyone says, or if it's a bit weird.
I miss you a little bit.
Which is strange to me, but it feels like ages since i've seen you.
The ironic thing is that you seemed more keen than me at the start and now it's like I crave your attention a little.
Not a lot, but enough to notice and feel it.
I'm actually a little excited to see you tomorrow, I just hope it happens.

You're making me change my mind about not wanting a relationship, let's just say.
Slowly but surely.
Let's just hope you don't get bored.

"For you, I might make an exception."

It's ten to eight in the morning and it is my birthday.
17.
My head is in absolute agony, I was so drunk last night.
And I will be drunk today.
Pretty much all of today.


I'm going to go downstairs in a second, have the standard cuppa/fag and then chow down on whatever food I can grab.
A.k.a fuckall in this shit house, we never have any bloody food!
I can't even have cereal 'cause we have no milk.
Bugger. I'm feeling hungry this morning.
Plus I can feel my ribs, which I hate.

I remember there being absolutely shitloads of food at the party last night, and I remember not touching any of it apart from three small chocolate biscuits and a miniature brownie.
What the fuck were you playing at, Kit! That food was gorgeous-looking!
Bloody idiot.


Just reading through my phone, got some lovely birthday messages.
Sone proper moody texts from the guy i'm seeing.

I'm so clueless when it comes to the opposite sex, sometimes.
Particularly when i'm drunk.
I think i called him like 5 times or something, pahahahaaaa idiot!
I remember him seeming really pissed off and wanting to know where I was.
So he could come down and batter/threaten someone who was talking to me weird or something, oh I can't remember.
Then I randomly put him on the phone to this guy who asked him how Ireland was.
Bad decision.
He got really annoyed and I felt really weird and depressed-drunk for like 15 minutes, then we started talking about sex and I perked up.
Turns out i've fucked/done stuff with more girls than half the lads that went.
Nice one, slag.

Dead impressed that I didn't pull anyone, though.
There were a few lads proper begging it, which irritated me.
Oh, wait I got two birthday kisses from a straight girl that kept giggling and hugging me.
That doesn't count, though.

It's now eight o'clock and my head is banging and i'm starting to feel a bit worse for wear.
Happy fucking birthday, Kit.

Oooooooh baby, baby

It's a wild worllld!

So chilllllled.

Today was so chilled.
Overslept and woke up half an hour before Aidan was supposed to be at mine, was too tired to make a real effort so I looked pretty much like a tramp.
Still got a few x x x x x x x xxsses though.
Good times.
He left to pick up his "boyfriend" and I slobbed around watching Skins (the first series, obviously), avoiding revision and eating pure crap.

Such a fun-filled life I do lead.

And a tearful goodbye

to my babe, Gene Hunt, who has singlehandedly made me piss myself more times in 45 minutes than any man ever has/will.



And a quick tribute to the man I have been slowly but surely drooling over since I was 14, Ben Drew (or Plan B).
'Cor blimey!

KARMA

I FUCKING LOVE IT.



This is actually stupidly hlarious.
Ahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa, I knew Karma would kick you in the ass eventually.
Just didn't know it's be so soon/sudden!




Oh me oh my:')

Basically,

I'm a cold hearted bitch who's learned the hard way to always put herself first and to be guarded with her emotions.

Emotionally fucked.

I'm not ready for this.
But I can't say why.
Mainly because I don't know why, it just doesn't feeeeeeeeeeeeeel right.
Yet.

Give me time and be patient or i'll end up hurting you somehow.
Which is something I really don't want to do.
But I bet I will.

So typical, really.
You meet someone who'll actually be nice to you and won't fuck you about; then you realise you might be turning into the type of nasty bastard that DOES go around fucking people about.



Let me just get my exams done, let's have some fun.
We're young, why so serious?
Please stop pressuring me, that won't help.
Oh and the guilt treatment just makes it worse as well.

Don't think

I have everrrrrrr been so happy for study leave in my entire life!
Now the stress begins though, I'm shiiiiitting myself!
On the plus though it's my birthday soon!

The past few days have been eventful.
I think i've learnt something/met someone new every day for the past week.
Which is always good!

The past week hasn't gone without it's dramas, though.
I went on a "date" the other day, well that's what he kept calling it.
And to be honest it was really nice, he picked me up in his car and we just chilled in a few parks chatting general shit, having a laugh, I had a really nice time...
Until I threw up.
Yes.
I threw up.
On a "date".

IWASSOOOOEMBARRASSEDIWANTEDTODIEEEEOMGOMGOMG!

I just felt queasy, walked towards a bush and vommed, in front of him.
Oh my days I was so embarrased.
He didn't seem to care that much, actually, he just seemed more bothered as to whether I was ok.
Which was sweet.
But still, oh my goddddd I wanted to DIE.

It was kind of funny though ahahahaha I couldn't stop laughing about it for ages afterwards, I told my mom and she nearly pissed herself, the cheeky sod!
It's just my luck though:')

Arr well, fuck it!
Don't care, I had fun, he's seen worse, fuuuuckkkk it!
FUCK IIIIIT!

All I seem to do

is just drink these days.
On friday, went out for a meal, then got drunk with all my friends, realised I should be in a screamo band because of my lung capacity and ability to pigsqueal, raided her mom's spirits cabinet and took crazy photos involving cigarettes and knives.
Last night, went out to town, went to my mates and got drunk on absynthe, got mauled by his dog, was completely gazeboed in front of my ex (I'd be embarrassed if I could be arsed), lost my phone in an armchair-thing and my friend had to cut it out and had a drunken conversation with his sober father.
Tonight, do work, watch shit films, smoke lots and get drunk alone.

This weekend has been beyond weird.
Not only has the awkwardness STILL not changed.
But, as Hinks and Luke were getting the bus to Toby's last night, the bus they were on ran someone over.
Turns out the person it ran over was actually mates with some of my closest friends.
The poor lad died.
Didn't know him but even so, it's absolutely dreadful.

"I fuckin' hate ovaries!"

"She's a bad girl yaknow!"
"He has the best afro you will ever see."
"Arrr yaknow when your voice goes like an old woman's? Yaknow, all like bleuuuurgh?"
"We're awesome, shut up!"
"She's great when she's drunk, she gets really into politics. She goes round threatening to batter the Conservatives."


Chilling in a cupboard in the art department with Ellaaaa drinking tea and eating a cheese and ham pitta bread, omnomnom.


Voting the BNP tomorrow? FUCK OFF THEN YOU CUNTS!
Bet you didn't know that the BNP agree with rape, did you?
A BNP member was quoted to say:
"Rape is simply sex. Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible ordeal. To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting that force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous crime offence."

HOW FULL OF COMPLETE SHIT CAN YOU PEOPLE BE?!
HOW DARE YOU COMPARE SOMETHING AS SEVERE AS RAPE TO FUCKING INDULGING IN SOME CAKE!

I don't know about you, but i've never known someone have their lives destroyed by a gateux!

Resulting to this

because the bastard school computers won't let me access my email!
Just ignore this.
Well, you can read it if you want, but expect to be bored!


Artist study, AS level/
Tracey Emin:
Info
Key Biographical details & INFLUENCE
- (ideas for influence:stuckism/past lovers/experiences (rape)/childhood experiences (fathers infidelity/abortions)
- (ideas for biographical details:left general school at 13 went to art college/degree/promiscuous youth/alcohol/depression)
Study of pieces (maybe include biographical book Strangeland (in bottom draw)
Conclusion

Just why?

Why do I even bother making an effort to reach out to people?
Why do I even bother being nice these days?
It just gets thrown back in my face!

I've tried so hard to be nice, I've tried to make things easy for you, I've made such an effort, fuckinghell I have tried.
But you know what?
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I seriously just cannot be ARSED anymore.

Never become a nice person, kids.
You just get screwed over by EVERYONE.

As a collective whole

my friends are most definitely better than yours;D

Even though the above sentence was light hearted it's probably true.
I've met some fucking wankers in my time, but i've met some absolutely beautiful people too and i'm so happy and grateful to have beautiful people like you in my life, seriously.

You should all know who you are, too many to name and I cant be arsed anyway but I am literally in love with you all and I think you're all fucking fantastic you gorgeous bastards!


I'm just literally so happy I cannot stop smiling and giggling, I've been giggly for the past 24 hours.
No romantic interest has/will ever make me happier than this, this is just indescribable.
I think i'm starting to grow up and appreciate what I actually have.
I don't know.
Whatever it is I really don't want it to end, I'm seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses and it's amazing.
It's like falling in love or something, just wow!

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Kkdshfsdifuhesfes8rq23geifuhpsd''#we08f!!!!!!!!!!!

Drinkdrinkdrink.

All i've done the past three days is just fucking drink.
It's five to six and it's already getting bright.
Fuck off, sun!
I wanna go sleep thats what lazy sundays are fucking forrrrr!
Thank FUCK I have monday off:')


No fucking sleep due to excessive alcohol consumption and late night texting/phonecalls.
Excellent.

Went to my friend's birthday do, and, as my shite wine and diiiirtttty Sainsbury's Own Vodka that I knicked off someone else began to kick in, I noticed that in one way or another, everyone in the room was sucking stuff up and getting on with it.
Just being brave, smiling and getting the fuck on with life.
Absolutely fantastic, we were all doing it!

One of my friends had been jilted and was being ignored by another of my friends, we had a nice bonding chat and then decided that "fuck it" is THE best attitude to have and smoked like chimneys; the birthday girl fell and fucked up her foot, two seconds later she was up and dancing again ("FOCKIN' TROOOOOPER, Y'ARE!"); one friend's been fucking his girlfriend about and feels bad about it but was still smiling and having fun, another was just generally depressed but still smiled quite a lot.

It's so nice to see people getting on with their shit instead of just whining and not doing anything about it.
Life's too short to just sit about waiting for things to happen.
If you don't get out and change what you're unhappy about, things will stay shit, but if you get on and try to turn it around, even if it fails you can have fun trying.

Couldn't really think of a better way to learn that life lesson to be perfectly honest.
Drunk and happy with a group of people I actually fucking adore.
Perfect.


And, after the cheapest taxi home everrr, I came home to lots of texts and missed calls off my other lovely friends, and had the standard sleepy/wired/drunken phonecall for ages with Joe until about half an hour ago, chatting absolute shit and cackling!

Life is absolutely fantastic sometimes.

Grey

Would be the colour,
If I had a heart.

Crazy days.

I'm the one on the right, with the thumbs and weird drunken expression.



SO STRESSED.

Dropped French before the exams and now they're saying they think the best option is that I should just go to the exams and try to wing it anyway, my two teachers really don't want me to drop it.
Fuck that.
They can shove it up their arses, I've gotten everyone's permission, it's just them I need to sign the fucking sheet and they wont.
I've not been to any of the lessons for over a month, missed loads of school anyway.
I'm past the point of catching up, I can barely remember any basic French as it is!
I refuse to stress about an exam that I don't tecnically have to do.
It's a load of BOLLOCKS.
Fuck them, I'm not going.

My art exam is tomorrow and I am completely fucked.
It will take a lot of skill and luck for me to pull this off, quite frankly!
Fingers crossed!


My love life is a shambles, I just fucking give up seriously.
At least people still want me, which is comforting.
Shows i'm not completely unloveable.
I JUST DONT WANT ANYONE BACK AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I need to meet new, sexy, funny people.
People with morals that won't fuck me around if I actually decide to take a chance again.

I'm not after anything long-term at the minute though, fuck thaaaaaat it's not worth the aggro.

But even when people want you and you feel at your best you can still get a bit lonely.
Only a little, but it's enough to put things in perspective a little bit.
Couples make me sick as well, they remind me how bitter and twisted I am.

I was walking to the station with two of my friends who are together, and they were all cutesy, kissing and feeding each other little iced biscuits and holding hands and whispering and giggling.
"In-love-Kitty" would have cooed, smiled and giggled along and remarked upon how cute they were.
But no.
I walked along, smoking, rolling my eyes, laughing every now and then but mainly focusing on the road ahead and the sunshine, feeling more alone than ever.
Surely this isn't the brilliant "single lifestyle" some people swear by?
Feeling alienated/bitter/alone when seeing other people in love?

Mind you, these people are probably a lot more independant that I am.

I just need someone sexy to manipulate into my little whipped bitch and i'll be fine.
Yeah, like that will ever happen, hahahahaa! :'D

No.

I don't want a relationship right now.
Give up, for focksake!

Unless I meet someone new and shockingly beautiful who will amaze me and not betray my trust.
Yeah, I know.
That never happens, don't be stupid.


I'm not going to settle for second best though, no way.
I'd rather be completely alone and not even kiss or fuck anyone at parties than be in a relationship with someone I didn't really want.

Why is it

that when you think you like someone, all of a sudden people (4 in my case) start trying to get on you and tell you they really like you?!
IT'S MADNESS!
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN I WAS REMOTELY SANE?!

"You're a piece of shit, no wonder he cheated on you."

Well you're a homophobic and rascist cunt with no friends or family.

I kept my composure as long as I could but you fucking blew it this time.
I saw fucking red.
And you actually looked shocked when I hit you?
Please.
You're lucky I didn't spit in your fucking eyes you cruel, nasty little FUCK.

OH MY GOD MIXED SIGNALLLLLSSSSSS

DO YOU LIKE ME OR NOT
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH IM GOING MAD!

I don't even like you that much in that way, it's just i'm so curioussss, not knowing kills me!



Oh, one of my good looking boy mates told me he would definitely fuck me.
Mind you though, he'd shag anything with a vagina.
When I said that to him he said,
"Well no, that's only half of it. Half of it is that you have to be a girl, the other half is that you have to be slightly attractive."
"Oh, thanks. I'm flattered."
"No, you're MORE than attractive, just, basically I'd want more than a kiss from you."
"Get me drunk first."
"I will, bottle of vodka later?" followed by a cheeky grin and a wink.
Oh man:')
I love getting perved on secretly...

Natural hiiiiiiigh.

One minute i'm dead chilled the next i'm like some raving lunatic who wants to fuck everybody up!
It's like i'm some fookin' crackhead or something!
This bipolar shit is getting crazy now, sometimes it just randomly happens, sometimes someone will just set me off on one.
But it's weird because even if i'm in a blind rage, i'm still happy in my head and I snap out of it in minutes and go back to being happy.
Swear down I am lethal at the minute!

Oh well, at least i'm not boring.

I'm just off my tits on life.

I feel like

some people need a reality check.
A lot of people judge me and my life, they think i've had it really fucking easy and resent me for it.
I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but let me tell you, I have been through hell and come back on top, like a LOT of other people.
No one's had an easy life and i'm not sad enough to compare with you and see which one of us is worse off, that is pathetic.
But, let me assure you, I will be more than happy to unleash fucking hell upon you if you dare give me anything less than the respect and manners I deserve.
This isn't a threat, just a warning.

I don't take shit off anyone.
I'm in a good place now, I've genuinely never been so happy.
And if you try to fuck things up for me, it will be a bad decision on your part and a huge waste of your time.
Because, I will enjoy nothing more than making you eat your words and regret your actions by proving you wrong and hitting you back exactly where it hurts, twice as hard, without sinking down to your level.
As you can tell, I get thrills off revenge.
I don't care how long I have to wait for it either, I always get revenge.

Think before you open your fucking traps.

Mumford

and Sons - The Cave.
This song contains very relevant and genius lyrics, for example:

"But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

"So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"

So fucking relevant to the last couple of weeks, seriously!





In other news, I had a really good day.
Got called a slut by some old women.
I do apologise I don't cover myself from head to toe, dears:')
I wasn't even dressed like a slut!
I wore a loose denim shirt opened, a white t-shirt with a floral pattern around the neck, red high waisted shorts, black patterned tights and cream leather pumps with a black scarf and black fingerless gloves.
With red lipstick, barely any eye makeup on and hair tied up loosely in a bun.

Arrrr you can all feck awfff anyway.

But yeah, sixthform was superb today, had such a chilled day, barely done any work it's been great.
As me, Arron, Ella and Mari went outside for our lunchtime fag, we saw Aiden come to school with Stod and Lauren in his car.
We stood outside attempting to dance like twats to the music he was blasting from his car, eat jammy dodgers and smoke simultaneously.
And the weather was fab.
Love my life:)

You may be a sinner,

But your innocence is mine.

OH AND

SHOVE YOUR CHEAP FAGS AND RED WINE UP YOUR ARSE YOU LITTLE INDIE BASTARD.

RED WINE TASTES LIKE PISS AND VINEGAR ANYWAY STOP TRYING TO LOOK MATURE WHILE YOURE COMPLETELY FUCKED OFF CHRIST KNOWS WHAT.

STOP SNIFFING, START LIVING AND GET SOME DECENT FUCKING CLOTHES FOR CHRISTS SAKE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN AFFORD THEM YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST CRAWLED OUT OF OXFAM'S ARSEHOLE.


Oh and, you like it "messy" and "raw", darling?
I'll tell you what "messy" and "raw" is.
It's waking up on a fucking tile floor surrounded by boys you don't know, bodily fluids on the back of your skirt, laddered tights, face greasy and smudged, greasy unappealing hair that looks fuckall like that "messy" look you spend hours creating, nosebleeds from sniffing, shit tattoos you thought were "cool at the time", stretchmarks and fat bellies from too much weed and cheap beer, blisters from the heels, bald patches and broken knuckles from fighting and cut, bruised knees from...

THAT is fucking messy and raw.
If you want to be like that you can FUCK OFF to be quite frank.
Fuck off and become the next Peter fucking Doherty.
A.k.a. A complete twat that is adored briefly by desperate virgin teenagers.

If that's what you aspire to be then fuck you.
I know i'm better than that.
It's hardly difficult to be.

So sweet.

My dad said these few things to me earlier and they made me feel so good.

"You are the type of girl that people can't help but fall in love with because you have a heart of gold, an intelligent mind, a filthy sense of humour and a strong stomach."

" You're capable of anything, you've proved that."

"The people that don't like you are only intimidated because they probabaly know they can't compete. Anyone who just generally dislikes you is missing out, sod 'em."

I don't think any of these things are true but fucking hell they didn't half make me smile.
I love my dad.



Oh and I've been giving a lot of advice out lately, and I seem to be saying one thing consistently.
I think I should slap this on a billboard or something, it can apply to so many people, myself included.
I'll just put it in large font until I get the billboard sorted ahaha;)

"Don't doubt yourself because of some dickhead boy/cruel slut. You are lovely and you deserve happiness. Move on and find it."

Found

2 of my lipsticks and I am so happy.

Doing some artwork that I really couldn't give two shits about.
I'm in such a weird place right now.

I used to love everything and everyone and I was so happy that I glowed.
Like, it used to radiate from my entire fucking body.
Now my throat is coarse from smoking, every other worse I use is a swear word and let's face it, i'm about as optimistic as a manic-depressive.

And I don't know why.

I don't like you anymore, I fell out of love with you a long time ago, I just never realised it until a few days after it all blew up.
I thought I needed to get drunk and kiss lots of people and just generally twat about to make me feel better.
And to a certain extent it did, shows i've still got it.
But I don't need anything to feel "better".
What's so good about feeling "better" anyway?
All it is is just a notch above how you currently feel.
Well fuck the notch.
Fuck everything.
I'm not "better" at all!

I'm "better off".

And I feel it too.
I have lots of work to do and will probably only have around 4 hours sleep before school, but I will do my hair, put some lippy on, and some of my nicer clothes and I will head to sixthform and face a pretty grim looking day with a grin.


Pretty disgusting photo, but sod it.

REALLLY IRATE.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE MY LIPSTICKS GONE.
ALL OF THEM HAVE DISAPPEARED.
ALL FUCKING FIVE OF THEM.
ALL I HAVE IS THIS SHITTY PURPLEY LIPGLOSS THING.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY.
I CANT REPLACE THEM UNLESS I GET UP REALLY EARLY TOMORROW AND WALK UP THE ROAD.
AND THAT WOULD REQUIRE SPENDING VERY PRECIOUS CIGARETTE MONEY.
FUCK THAT I'LL REPLACE MY BEST ONE.
£2.00 FROM THE NATURAL COLLECTION.
SORTED.

BUT I AM STILL SO ANGRY.

MY FUCKING HEAD ACHES.

AND I HAVE WORK TO DO.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

So many fucking things.

In the past few days I have:

• Kissed stupid amounts of people, acted like a bit of a tart and blagged loads of free stuff off people I pulled including booze, fags and lifts.
  
• Discovered that I genuinely couldn't give a fuck about anyone else's love lives but mine. Seriously, my life is enough of a soap as it is, caring about other people's relationships could actually fucking destroy me. I don't give a shit if you're my friend or my ex or my family, I JUST DO NOT CARE.
  
• Learned more about myself. I've learned that i'm stronger than people think and not half as predictable. I may seem delicate and to a certain extent I am, but i've been through far too much shit to let anyone or anything break me now.
  
• Lost more weight, and discovered what a fucking LARDARSE I was before, I mean seriously! My clothes are practically falling off!
  
• Drunk copious amounts of alcohol and smoked too many fags, feel like death.
  
• Watched my workload slowly but surely creep up on me, oh no...
  
• Been completely abused by anonymous wankers on Formspring. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a kick out of it though;)

Stay the fuck away from me.

!

Hungover.

Waiting for time to pass and people to fuck off.

The past week I have done nothing but get with girls.
It's like it's a necessity for a party, fag in one hand, drink in the other, camera round my neck and woman on my fucking hip!

It's as though I'm on the bloody turn or something, I need some boy QUICKLY, ahaha!


Last nights shenanigans were hilarious.
Within hours of meeting people we were kissing.
Best way to be.

One of them kept spilling my drink everywhere, over and over again.
Everytime I made her make me a stronger one.

I remember walking home on my own trying not to fall over with a ladder in my tights, lipstick rubbed off from kissing, a handful of doritos and a fag thinking,
"I am so classy, I could be Queen."


And I could be, bitches.

Remember!

Download some Juliette Lewis and Flyleaf stuff.

Dear Kitty, you guilty slapper.

This is what happens when you get drunk and act like a slut, Kit.
Learn from your mistakes.
Don't fucking do it again.

It's in the past now but you might not be so lucky next time, you might really hurt someone which isn't fair.
You'd be gutted if it happened to you.

Now get on with something productive, like your art coursework, perhaps?
You daft cunt.

Lots of love,
Your Conscience xx

Feeling good

and it's getting better every day.

"You're really sexy..."

Sat in my dad's living room listening to my stepmom's old vinyls (how retro do I feel?).
The B52's are so good.
Reflecting over my day.

Went into Perth with the kids and met a BEAUTIFUL/FANTASTIC boy.
Was dropping my sister off at her ballet lesson and there was a really sexy boy stood outside waving goodbye to a little girl.
I say "boy" really he was a man. Around 25?
He dressed so young though, and he had a bridge piercing.
Anyway!
My sister walked in after this little girl and I was about to walk off when my brother tripped over the boy's bag and began to cry.
So embarrassing.
The guy caught my eye and I burst out laughing and just went "oh my god" and blushed.
He came to see if we needed any help.
"Arrr I feel terrible now, will he be alreet? Poor kid." In a gorgeous Scottish accent.
To quickly escape and die in a hole somewhere I said
"Oh i'd better go get him some chocolate or something to shut him up ahaha"
I asked him where the nearest Boots was (I like the self-service machines).
And instead of just showing us, he came with!
We started talking about loads of random shit, his name was Ben.

He was so beautiful.
Not skinny but not chubby, just average, with a leather jacket on, doc martens (proper ones!), really nicely worn faded skinnies and a grey top (the top was a v-neck which I hate on guys but whatever!)
Dark curly hair, dark eyes and dark thick eyelashes, about a head taller than me, maybe just under 6foot.
He wore wooden rosary beads, I asked him if he was catholic and he said no.
I laughed nervously at him and he blushed.
We talked for ages, he asked me about my newly shaven hair (shaved my right side in creative frustration), asked me if I wore red lipstick often.
"It reet suits ye."
He asked if it was a statement, I said no and laughed like a freak.
I WAS SO NERVOUS HE WAS BEING TOO COMPLIMENTY I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
He thought my brother was my son.
"You're really sexy, you wouldn't think you'd had 2 kids at all."
I didn't know what to say.
I was laughing like a fucking goon in my head.
He asked where his dad was, I said "Oh, our dad's at work."
The look on his face!
I pissed myself!
He just blushed.
I got my brother some smarties and we walked towards the carpark where my stepmom was waiting for us.
WHen I told him I had to go he looked genuinely sad and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink later.
I wanted to so bad but I had to say no, I couldn't tell him I'm only 16 incase he got freaked out.
I just said I was going home to Birmingham, I couldn't think of anything else.
So we had to say bye.

He tried to give me his number but i'd forgotten my phone, he said his was at home as well and neither of us had a pen.
We kind of just looked at each other in a sad way and said bye.
He gave me a hug and he smelled so nice, just like I expected.
It was so weird.
So nice though.

He was lovely.
I won't see him ever again.


Fuck it, fgood day though.
He was gorgeous.

SHOWS IVE STIIIIIILL GOT IT.
IM NOT COMPLETELY UNLOVEABLE!

The cause of all my angst.

I NEED A FAG.
I NEED A SHAG.
I NEED TO GET FUCKING PLASTERED.


The fact that I have 5 1/2 packs of Marlboros and a potential fuck-buddy/party plans at home are just making these days seem longer.

I BEST NOT BE SINGLE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, EITHER!