No more, running away.

Bloody fantastic!

Oh bugger me!

Listening to the Titanic theme tune/Unbreak My Heart when i'm sleep-deprived and on a caffeine high is not a good idea!
I might cry!
Gahhh, turn it off turn it off!

DAMN YOU CELINE DION & TONI BRAXTON!
YOU GORGEOUS BASTARDS!
DAMN YOU!

Oh and

I've worked out my spending, I need to start managing my money!

I scribbled it all out, which shows the energy that went in to all the maths I had to do (bear in mind it's been months since i've worked anything out without a calculator. Plus the fact that I only just scraped a C in mh maths GCSE does not help ahah!)
However, my scanner is extremely loud and I think if I started scanning at quarter past 7 on Sunday morning, the entire household would be extremely pissed at me ahahaa.

So here we go.



Money.
£100 a month

Fag money 1 month.
= ~£24.40

Train Money/Sixthform.
= £1.80 per day
= £36 per month

Town.
= £2.10 x 4
= £8.40 per month

Total train.
= £44.40 + £24.40
= £68.80

£100 - £66.80
=£31.20

£31.20 - £5.00 lunch money (month)
=£26.20 for meeeeee!

That's more than enough for a few decent nights on the piss, if I get buses instead of taxis.
It is the credit crunch after all!
:')

Awake

It's almost 7 in the morning and I haven't slept again.
I've been up staring at this coursework essay.
I'm slowly getting there.
Just got a coffee in a masssssiiiiivvvveeeee mug, and i'm feeling a bit less shit ahahaaa.
My boyfriend bailed for Boboland at like quarter to five.
He's not as hardcore as his little lady!
Especially not whilst listening to the Noisettes, Mt Eden, Celine Dion and Air Traffic.
I'm such a badman, the term "so cool it hurts" springs to mind:')
Seeing as I have had a few posts about my shiny new boyfriend, I thought i'd put a few pictures up so you can gawp as much as I do ahaha.

This is him getting a heart and a smiley face drawn onto his cheeks by Toby with nail varnish:')
Mmmm, his hair looks nice there!

I loveeeee this one, I think he looks so cute here! And you can see Toby's artwork:')
Awwwwwwwww!

Brrrr, it's freezing in here, i'm only wearing a big t-shirt and jeggings, mind you.
Mmmmm, i'm feeling a lot better now!

It's been snowing all night, it's only just stopped, I noticed when I went to go make my coffee, I walked past the window and fully paused and reversed just to gawp at all the lovely whiteness!
I kind of want school to be cancelled but at the same time I don't because i'm seeing my boyfriend in my lunch break/free and if school's cancelled I doubt i'll have the energy to trek all the way to Butlers Lane when I could be lying in.
But this is another perk of not sleeping for 24 hours, I'll be shattered tonight and i'll have a really good night sleep and be ready to properly work on monday!

You see, it's almost like i've planned it!
Perfect!

Mmmm, it's starting to get brighter.
I reckon at about half 8/9 i'm gonna get in the bath and have a nice longgggg soak, and then eventually get this essay done!

I bet nothing goes to plan now i've typed it out.
:')

Judging

from my past few posts you might have been able to gather that I am no longer the most single person on the planet.
I now have a boyfriend:)
I'll probably get some pictures of us in the next few days, definitely after monday as he wanted some pictures of us to put on his wall:):)
Gahhh, he's so cute!
I would write more but i'm horrifically tired.
Soz.

I miss you

a lot more than I originally thought I would.
I wish the 22nd would just hurry the fuck up!

Still, your texts are comforting and just prove your amazingness further.
Gahhhh, you're so adorable!

Today

went so much better than I ever imagined!
I'm excited to see what the next few weeks have to offer me now!
:)Tingly feeling.

Really

happy, bordering on the insane.
I think I'm bipolar...

First

sort of meal in almost 2 days.
A cup of cereal (yes, a cup. I like to drink the milk afterwards. Waste not want not and all that.) And some weird bread stuff I found.

I now feel ridiculously dizzy, seriously I keep having to go back and correct typos on here so I don't look like more of an idiot than usual!

It's nice to have friends that care though, over the past two days i've recieved a fair few texts telling me to get better and get my ass into sixthform.
But seriously I feel exhausted, I know its because I've had no food and thus have no energy but seriously, everything just feels like effort!

This saturday will be good though, I'll write about that probably on Sunday and I'll put some of the pictures up.
I literally MUST be better by then.

I called up work to say I couldn't go in and ohhhhhhhh the guilt!
The horrible, horrible pang of guilt!
Ah, sod it, I'm too tired to care too much.

I've just looked at myself on webcam and bahahaa I look like a carcrash:')
Hahahahaaaaa, I love ugly days they make me laugh so much bahahaa.




Oh and the whole spiel yesterday with me being upset and that is sorted, apart from the one boy but to be honest I'm past the point of giving a shit now.
If he doesn't want to be friends with me, fine, it's not my problem he's handling whatevers wrong like a fool.

I think i'll have a nap now.
Yes.
Good idea.

Literally

sobbing.
I have no idea what I've done to deserve this.
Oh and by the way, if anyone's reading this and thinks i'm being dramatic, get over yourself it's about more than one occurrance.

This is just seriously the straw that broke the camels back, I don't need this right now.

!

I feel so low I could cry.

Two male friends of mine have really just tested my patience tonight.
One I can understand because it's his birthday and people have been nasty to him today, but the way he just snapped at me really upsets me.
And the other one, well, there is no excuse. He's been really weird with me for a few days and i've tried confronting him about it but he's just being really dismissive and abrupt about it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?!

The fact that i'm ill and have loads of work to do really doesn't help.
Plus the fact that I have literally no money yet I have to somehow find the money to go to town on saturday, have a meal at a restaurant and then get a taxi back otherwise I can't go which will piss the first boy off even more because it's for his birthday meal!

Fucks sake:'(

I'm feeling

so fragile.

Prepare for a really long post, I've been dwelling on thoughts again.

I haven't moved from my bed all day.
I'm too scared to get out now because Phil will just be a dickhead.
As per.
He never understands when i'm ill, I swear he does not have one single ounce of sympathy in his body.
However, when his son's ill, oh no the entire world is coming to a fucking end.

I haven't got the energy to argue/defend myself today but I feel the need to rant.

1) I hate how fake you are. You bullshit to impress people and it drives me insane. I need consistancy in my life and it's hilarious how incosistant you are, even with discipline.

2) Speaking of discipline, it pisses me right off how fucking childish you are when something I do annoys you. Honestly, it's like i'm dealing with an actual ten year-old.
You like to degrade both me and my mother in arguments to make yourself feel better, but let me assure you, calling me a "piece of shit" or telling me to "go fuck myself" or threatening to kick me out of the fucking house will do nothing but make me stronger and more resentful towards you. Plus it gives me more fuel to use against you the next time you fucking start, so if you want to lose another argument, you just fucking continue.

3) Oh, and I hate how whenever you start on me and my mother gets involved you sarcastically call me "the golden child".
If she dared speak to Craig the way you speak to me there would be fucking uproar, yet you act like it's preposterous for a mother to defend her own child. What planet are you on?!

4) I hate the way you speak to my mother. End of. If I ever hear you fucking call her names again I will get involved regardless of how long it takes to get you to close your vile fucking mouth.

5) I hate how you're actually really really nice, you just snap. It's taken me so long to realise how to actually snap you out of your foul moods I might as well not bother anymore.

6) I hate it when you bark your fucking orders at me, and if I piss you off I hate how you square up to me and treat me like you've just caught me keying your car or stealing your wallet or something.
I'm your step-daughter, not some fucking crackhead off the streets. Stop treating me like one.

7) I hate how neither you or mom trust me, and how you both gang up on me and you always take it one step too far.

8) I hate how you never apologise.

9) I hate how blatent your favouritism is. I understand that he's your son and I couldn't have asked for a better brother. But your treatment towards me is un-acceptable. Watch mom with Craig and maybe you might fucking learn something.




Right, now I've got all that off my chest I can write about something else.
I'm not going to say your name but I think you'll know deep down that i'm speaking to you.
I would never have the time/breath to say this to your face.
But I've read your blog, I've seen how you're much deeper/more articulate than I first thought.
I see right through your act of bravery and I know you're in pain.
Because I've been there.
In your exact position.
I know what it's like to feel like you've been tossed to the side in favour of something/someone else.
I know what it's like to maybe feel a little bit used even if you can't/won't admit it.
I know what it's like to feel lonely.
I know what it's like to still be in love with someone and watch them flit towards someone else.
I know the paranoia of wondering if they prefer them to you, or are speaking about you.
I know the heart-breaking feeling when you first see them together, and every time after.
I know what it's like to hear the words "Can we still be friends?" knowing with all your heart you can't/won't say no.
And I know the last thing you want to do is talk about it.

I cant stand the thought of that happening to anyone, let alone someone I'm close to.
It literally kills me.
And i'm really resentful of the person who did this to you.
Really fucking resentful.
But, there's nothing I can do about it but offer support.
And I am here for you.
Yes, I think that was the purpose of this post.
Words won't be enough, I know, but I really truly am, sweetie.

Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Ill.

Horribly ill but with nice texts to read.

Remember to download Anna Ternheim songs to help me sleep when undistracted by...