Grey

Would be the colour,
If I had a heart.

Crazy days.

I'm the one on the right, with the thumbs and weird drunken expression.



SO STRESSED.

Dropped French before the exams and now they're saying they think the best option is that I should just go to the exams and try to wing it anyway, my two teachers really don't want me to drop it.
Fuck that.
They can shove it up their arses, I've gotten everyone's permission, it's just them I need to sign the fucking sheet and they wont.
I've not been to any of the lessons for over a month, missed loads of school anyway.
I'm past the point of catching up, I can barely remember any basic French as it is!
I refuse to stress about an exam that I don't tecnically have to do.
It's a load of BOLLOCKS.
Fuck them, I'm not going.

My art exam is tomorrow and I am completely fucked.
It will take a lot of skill and luck for me to pull this off, quite frankly!
Fingers crossed!


My love life is a shambles, I just fucking give up seriously.
At least people still want me, which is comforting.
Shows i'm not completely unloveable.
I JUST DONT WANT ANYONE BACK AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

I need to meet new, sexy, funny people.
People with morals that won't fuck me around if I actually decide to take a chance again.

I'm not after anything long-term at the minute though, fuck thaaaaaat it's not worth the aggro.

But even when people want you and you feel at your best you can still get a bit lonely.
Only a little, but it's enough to put things in perspective a little bit.
Couples make me sick as well, they remind me how bitter and twisted I am.

I was walking to the station with two of my friends who are together, and they were all cutesy, kissing and feeding each other little iced biscuits and holding hands and whispering and giggling.
"In-love-Kitty" would have cooed, smiled and giggled along and remarked upon how cute they were.
But no.
I walked along, smoking, rolling my eyes, laughing every now and then but mainly focusing on the road ahead and the sunshine, feeling more alone than ever.
Surely this isn't the brilliant "single lifestyle" some people swear by?
Feeling alienated/bitter/alone when seeing other people in love?

Mind you, these people are probably a lot more independant that I am.

I just need someone sexy to manipulate into my little whipped bitch and i'll be fine.
Yeah, like that will ever happen, hahahahaa! :'D

No.

I don't want a relationship right now.
Give up, for focksake!

Unless I meet someone new and shockingly beautiful who will amaze me and not betray my trust.
Yeah, I know.
That never happens, don't be stupid.


I'm not going to settle for second best though, no way.
I'd rather be completely alone and not even kiss or fuck anyone at parties than be in a relationship with someone I didn't really want.

Why is it

that when you think you like someone, all of a sudden people (4 in my case) start trying to get on you and tell you they really like you?!
IT'S MADNESS!
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THREE MONTHS AGO WHEN I WAS REMOTELY SANE?!

"You're a piece of shit, no wonder he cheated on you."

Well you're a homophobic and rascist cunt with no friends or family.

I kept my composure as long as I could but you fucking blew it this time.
I saw fucking red.
And you actually looked shocked when I hit you?
Please.
You're lucky I didn't spit in your fucking eyes you cruel, nasty little FUCK.

OH MY GOD MIXED SIGNALLLLLSSSSSS

DO YOU LIKE ME OR NOT
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH IM GOING MAD!

I don't even like you that much in that way, it's just i'm so curioussss, not knowing kills me!



Oh, one of my good looking boy mates told me he would definitely fuck me.
Mind you though, he'd shag anything with a vagina.
When I said that to him he said,
"Well no, that's only half of it. Half of it is that you have to be a girl, the other half is that you have to be slightly attractive."
"Oh, thanks. I'm flattered."
"No, you're MORE than attractive, just, basically I'd want more than a kiss from you."
"Get me drunk first."
"I will, bottle of vodka later?" followed by a cheeky grin and a wink.
Oh man:')
I love getting perved on secretly...

Natural hiiiiiiigh.

One minute i'm dead chilled the next i'm like some raving lunatic who wants to fuck everybody up!
It's like i'm some fookin' crackhead or something!
This bipolar shit is getting crazy now, sometimes it just randomly happens, sometimes someone will just set me off on one.
But it's weird because even if i'm in a blind rage, i'm still happy in my head and I snap out of it in minutes and go back to being happy.
Swear down I am lethal at the minute!

Oh well, at least i'm not boring.

I'm just off my tits on life.

I feel like

some people need a reality check.
A lot of people judge me and my life, they think i've had it really fucking easy and resent me for it.
I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but let me tell you, I have been through hell and come back on top, like a LOT of other people.
No one's had an easy life and i'm not sad enough to compare with you and see which one of us is worse off, that is pathetic.
But, let me assure you, I will be more than happy to unleash fucking hell upon you if you dare give me anything less than the respect and manners I deserve.
This isn't a threat, just a warning.

I don't take shit off anyone.
I'm in a good place now, I've genuinely never been so happy.
And if you try to fuck things up for me, it will be a bad decision on your part and a huge waste of your time.
Because, I will enjoy nothing more than making you eat your words and regret your actions by proving you wrong and hitting you back exactly where it hurts, twice as hard, without sinking down to your level.
As you can tell, I get thrills off revenge.
I don't care how long I have to wait for it either, I always get revenge.

Think before you open your fucking traps.

Mumford

and Sons - The Cave.
This song contains very relevant and genius lyrics, for example:

"But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind"

"So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"

So fucking relevant to the last couple of weeks, seriously!





In other news, I had a really good day.
Got called a slut by some old women.
I do apologise I don't cover myself from head to toe, dears:')
I wasn't even dressed like a slut!
I wore a loose denim shirt opened, a white t-shirt with a floral pattern around the neck, red high waisted shorts, black patterned tights and cream leather pumps with a black scarf and black fingerless gloves.
With red lipstick, barely any eye makeup on and hair tied up loosely in a bun.

Arrrr you can all feck awfff anyway.

But yeah, sixthform was superb today, had such a chilled day, barely done any work it's been great.
As me, Arron, Ella and Mari went outside for our lunchtime fag, we saw Aiden come to school with Stod and Lauren in his car.
We stood outside attempting to dance like twats to the music he was blasting from his car, eat jammy dodgers and smoke simultaneously.
And the weather was fab.
Love my life:)

You may be a sinner,

But your innocence is mine.

OH AND

SHOVE YOUR CHEAP FAGS AND RED WINE UP YOUR ARSE YOU LITTLE INDIE BASTARD.

RED WINE TASTES LIKE PISS AND VINEGAR ANYWAY STOP TRYING TO LOOK MATURE WHILE YOURE COMPLETELY FUCKED OFF CHRIST KNOWS WHAT.

STOP SNIFFING, START LIVING AND GET SOME DECENT FUCKING CLOTHES FOR CHRISTS SAKE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN AFFORD THEM YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST CRAWLED OUT OF OXFAM'S ARSEHOLE.


Oh and, you like it "messy" and "raw", darling?
I'll tell you what "messy" and "raw" is.
It's waking up on a fucking tile floor surrounded by boys you don't know, bodily fluids on the back of your skirt, laddered tights, face greasy and smudged, greasy unappealing hair that looks fuckall like that "messy" look you spend hours creating, nosebleeds from sniffing, shit tattoos you thought were "cool at the time", stretchmarks and fat bellies from too much weed and cheap beer, blisters from the heels, bald patches and broken knuckles from fighting and cut, bruised knees from...

THAT is fucking messy and raw.
If you want to be like that you can FUCK OFF to be quite frank.
Fuck off and become the next Peter fucking Doherty.
A.k.a. A complete twat that is adored briefly by desperate virgin teenagers.

If that's what you aspire to be then fuck you.
I know i'm better than that.
It's hardly difficult to be.

So sweet.

My dad said these few things to me earlier and they made me feel so good.

"You are the type of girl that people can't help but fall in love with because you have a heart of gold, an intelligent mind, a filthy sense of humour and a strong stomach."

" You're capable of anything, you've proved that."

"The people that don't like you are only intimidated because they probabaly know they can't compete. Anyone who just generally dislikes you is missing out, sod 'em."

I don't think any of these things are true but fucking hell they didn't half make me smile.
I love my dad.



Oh and I've been giving a lot of advice out lately, and I seem to be saying one thing consistently.
I think I should slap this on a billboard or something, it can apply to so many people, myself included.
I'll just put it in large font until I get the billboard sorted ahaha;)

"Don't doubt yourself because of some dickhead boy/cruel slut. You are lovely and you deserve happiness. Move on and find it."

Found

2 of my lipsticks and I am so happy.

Doing some artwork that I really couldn't give two shits about.
I'm in such a weird place right now.

I used to love everything and everyone and I was so happy that I glowed.
Like, it used to radiate from my entire fucking body.
Now my throat is coarse from smoking, every other worse I use is a swear word and let's face it, i'm about as optimistic as a manic-depressive.

And I don't know why.

I don't like you anymore, I fell out of love with you a long time ago, I just never realised it until a few days after it all blew up.
I thought I needed to get drunk and kiss lots of people and just generally twat about to make me feel better.
And to a certain extent it did, shows i've still got it.
But I don't need anything to feel "better".
What's so good about feeling "better" anyway?
All it is is just a notch above how you currently feel.
Well fuck the notch.
Fuck everything.
I'm not "better" at all!

I'm "better off".

And I feel it too.
I have lots of work to do and will probably only have around 4 hours sleep before school, but I will do my hair, put some lippy on, and some of my nicer clothes and I will head to sixthform and face a pretty grim looking day with a grin.


Pretty disgusting photo, but sod it.

REALLLY IRATE.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE MY LIPSTICKS GONE.
ALL OF THEM HAVE DISAPPEARED.
ALL FUCKING FIVE OF THEM.
ALL I HAVE IS THIS SHITTY PURPLEY LIPGLOSS THING.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY.
I CANT REPLACE THEM UNLESS I GET UP REALLY EARLY TOMORROW AND WALK UP THE ROAD.
AND THAT WOULD REQUIRE SPENDING VERY PRECIOUS CIGARETTE MONEY.
FUCK THAT I'LL REPLACE MY BEST ONE.
£2.00 FROM THE NATURAL COLLECTION.
SORTED.

BUT I AM STILL SO ANGRY.

MY FUCKING HEAD ACHES.

AND I HAVE WORK TO DO.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

So many fucking things.

In the past few days I have:

• Kissed stupid amounts of people, acted like a bit of a tart and blagged loads of free stuff off people I pulled including booze, fags and lifts.
  
• Discovered that I genuinely couldn't give a fuck about anyone else's love lives but mine. Seriously, my life is enough of a soap as it is, caring about other people's relationships could actually fucking destroy me. I don't give a shit if you're my friend or my ex or my family, I JUST DO NOT CARE.
  
• Learned more about myself. I've learned that i'm stronger than people think and not half as predictable. I may seem delicate and to a certain extent I am, but i've been through far too much shit to let anyone or anything break me now.
  
• Lost more weight, and discovered what a fucking LARDARSE I was before, I mean seriously! My clothes are practically falling off!
  
• Drunk copious amounts of alcohol and smoked too many fags, feel like death.
  
• Watched my workload slowly but surely creep up on me, oh no...
  
• Been completely abused by anonymous wankers on Formspring. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a kick out of it though;)

Stay the fuck away from me.

!

Hungover.

Waiting for time to pass and people to fuck off.

The past week I have done nothing but get with girls.
It's like it's a necessity for a party, fag in one hand, drink in the other, camera round my neck and woman on my fucking hip!

It's as though I'm on the bloody turn or something, I need some boy QUICKLY, ahaha!


Last nights shenanigans were hilarious.
Within hours of meeting people we were kissing.
Best way to be.

One of them kept spilling my drink everywhere, over and over again.
Everytime I made her make me a stronger one.

I remember walking home on my own trying not to fall over with a ladder in my tights, lipstick rubbed off from kissing, a handful of doritos and a fag thinking,
"I am so classy, I could be Queen."


And I could be, bitches.

Remember!

Download some Juliette Lewis and Flyleaf stuff.

Dear Kitty, you guilty slapper.

This is what happens when you get drunk and act like a slut, Kit.
Learn from your mistakes.
Don't fucking do it again.

It's in the past now but you might not be so lucky next time, you might really hurt someone which isn't fair.
You'd be gutted if it happened to you.

Now get on with something productive, like your art coursework, perhaps?
You daft cunt.

Lots of love,
Your Conscience xx

Feeling good

and it's getting better every day.

"You're really sexy..."

Sat in my dad's living room listening to my stepmom's old vinyls (how retro do I feel?).
The B52's are so good.
Reflecting over my day.

Went into Perth with the kids and met a BEAUTIFUL/FANTASTIC boy.
Was dropping my sister off at her ballet lesson and there was a really sexy boy stood outside waving goodbye to a little girl.
I say "boy" really he was a man. Around 25?
He dressed so young though, and he had a bridge piercing.
Anyway!
My sister walked in after this little girl and I was about to walk off when my brother tripped over the boy's bag and began to cry.
So embarrassing.
The guy caught my eye and I burst out laughing and just went "oh my god" and blushed.
He came to see if we needed any help.
"Arrr I feel terrible now, will he be alreet? Poor kid." In a gorgeous Scottish accent.
To quickly escape and die in a hole somewhere I said
"Oh i'd better go get him some chocolate or something to shut him up ahaha"
I asked him where the nearest Boots was (I like the self-service machines).
And instead of just showing us, he came with!
We started talking about loads of random shit, his name was Ben.

He was so beautiful.
Not skinny but not chubby, just average, with a leather jacket on, doc martens (proper ones!), really nicely worn faded skinnies and a grey top (the top was a v-neck which I hate on guys but whatever!)
Dark curly hair, dark eyes and dark thick eyelashes, about a head taller than me, maybe just under 6foot.
He wore wooden rosary beads, I asked him if he was catholic and he said no.
I laughed nervously at him and he blushed.
We talked for ages, he asked me about my newly shaven hair (shaved my right side in creative frustration), asked me if I wore red lipstick often.
"It reet suits ye."
He asked if it was a statement, I said no and laughed like a freak.
I WAS SO NERVOUS HE WAS BEING TOO COMPLIMENTY I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
He thought my brother was my son.
"You're really sexy, you wouldn't think you'd had 2 kids at all."
I didn't know what to say.
I was laughing like a fucking goon in my head.
He asked where his dad was, I said "Oh, our dad's at work."
The look on his face!
I pissed myself!
He just blushed.
I got my brother some smarties and we walked towards the carpark where my stepmom was waiting for us.
WHen I told him I had to go he looked genuinely sad and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink later.
I wanted to so bad but I had to say no, I couldn't tell him I'm only 16 incase he got freaked out.
I just said I was going home to Birmingham, I couldn't think of anything else.
So we had to say bye.

He tried to give me his number but i'd forgotten my phone, he said his was at home as well and neither of us had a pen.
We kind of just looked at each other in a sad way and said bye.
He gave me a hug and he smelled so nice, just like I expected.
It was so weird.
So nice though.

He was lovely.
I won't see him ever again.


Fuck it, fgood day though.
He was gorgeous.

SHOWS IVE STIIIIIILL GOT IT.
IM NOT COMPLETELY UNLOVEABLE!

The cause of all my angst.

I NEED A FAG.
I NEED A SHAG.
I NEED TO GET FUCKING PLASTERED.


The fact that I have 5 1/2 packs of Marlboros and a potential fuck-buddy/party plans at home are just making these days seem longer.

I BEST NOT BE SINGLE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, EITHER!

:@:@:@:@

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Ahhhhh:)

Now that is all of my chest i'm off to have a lonnnnnggg, hot bath and get ready for later.

Feeling very callllmmmm and happy now.
Like i've done some meditation or something, ohhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Oh, and if anyone was offended or shocked by my last post then, frankly you can sod off ahaha.
I'm not going to explain myself.
I don't do this for anyone else, the attention or comments or praise or WHATEVER.
I do this blog thing for me, so I can remember good things and rant about bad things.

I'm not going to flatter myself into thinking that anyone cares, but if you do then you know where to stick it.



Lalalaalallalalaaaaaaa!

OH AND

FUCK YOUUUU AND YOUUU ESPECIALLY YOUUUUUU!

I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN AAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL OF YOU!
And I have very low self-esteem THANKS TO ONE OF YOU, yet I still believe in my heart-of-hearts that I am so much better off.

YOU'RE ALL BASTARDS.

But it's alright, you'll all get your come-uppance.
The fact that you're all twats just makes me feel so much better about myself.
And your actions have made me look better seeing as I did nothing but care for you all in one way or another.
Especially considering the fact that two of you would probably be dead now if I hadn't of convinced my friends/family NOT to stab you even after everything you fucking put me through.

BUT WHO CARES, alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of your shite has just made me stronger.
And i've already proved from my past that I can get through ANYTHING, I didn't deserve your imput you absolute WANKERS.

I'M NOT A DOORMAT AND NEITHER AM I PREDICTABLE;
So if you think this is about you, even if it sounds like it should be, it isn't.
It's just your guilty conscience talking.

One of these people is in prison.

Change.

Feelin' it.

Ooooh, angst!

PURE TEENAGE ANGST!

I feel like being a bitch today.
I never have these days.
The last time I had a "bitch day" was three years ago.
But here it comes.

I feel like just being so cruel today.
So undeniably evil that I make everyone hate me just so I have an excuse to bitter, juuuust like I used to be.
That's how I feel.

But I won't.
I'll be as polite and nice as possible externally and just think harsh thoughts in my head.
Because I cba with drama.
People can just fuck off with their dramatics because I, for one, am not arsed.

On the plus though, I am surrounded by chocolate.
But I am determined to keep this weight loss going so I'll just sniff the chocolate occasionally ahahahaha:')

LOVE MY LIIIIIFE.

I don't think

I've ever been so grateful to not sleep alone.
Just what I needed.

Can't smoke or drink or anything else for the next week.
It's good because it helps to clear my head and helps me focus on what makes me happy.
I'm shockingly happy at the moment, last time I broke up with a boyfriend I was so upset it was horrible.
I think I just know it's not worth it.
It's too much effort getting over someone.
It's such a waste of my time, and I know i'm not going to live long.
I don't have that kind of time to waste.

I can feeeeeel a self-destructive episode coming on though.
I'm thinking a party would be the perfect setting for me to drink myself to death.
I wish I lived a healthy lifestyle:')


But if you sift through all the crap, it's so much fun being me sometimes.

Oh and

I feel like the biggest most gullable idiot alive.
Yes, that is how I feel.

I really need my friends now.

Feeling

strange and awkward and kind of angry but not I don't knowwwww.
And very very dumped ahaha.
Yes, I am back to stage 1.

MY INNER BRIDGET JONES IS BACK, WOOOOO!